..resignation..

I think i am finally here. Submission, obedience, resignation what ever you wish to call it. Thy will, not my will.

I have been mulling that over for the last while and after quite a bit of time in prayer, I feel very contented.

Charity, it’s action not intentions. Good intentions really are meaningless when referred to within the scope of a charitable act. Action, loving self sacrifice. That’s charity.

That might seem like a deep topic for 5 45 am but you know what, no better way to start the day.

For the last two days I have been really thinking about all of this. I was dreading the arrival of MIL. She definitely brings out the worst in me, especially now with all this upheaval.

Wednesday morning, after mass I wasn’t feeling so great but it occurred to me, that those feelings were unnecessary. Everything will be okay. I had a lot of stuff to do, so I went through my day with such purpose. I began the day with Christ and that’s is how I closed the day also.

I started to noticed the positives in my midst. Isn’t that what I had been praying for, a semblance that I am in fact not alone? That there are far greater things in my life than me? So that morning, I was given a sign. Later that day I received another gift, prayer in a more personable form. Prayer that suits my needs. It’s hard to believe that I lacking so much, that when finally I fitted the puzzle piece it was exact. That night I arranged a run, it was my best yet. A personal best.

That’s another topic I want to explore, the psychology behind running, but I’ll get into it later.

I came home and felt better.

Yesterday was anxious. The apprehension was oozing off me. It’s always like that when MIL comes to town. Like I said she really brings out the worst in me. Here’s the thing though. I let her.

I only act the way I act because I choose to act that way. There are no cosmic forces guiding my steps, actions, or words. All my choices.

Last night, I had two hours to myself.

I spent the first hour alone in the church. It was a Thursday, and it was St. Monica’s Feast day. I love her. She is one of my most favorite saints. Why do you think? That woman hardly lead an ‘easy’ life. Her husband was likely abusive, her son a delinquent and she so graciously led them both home. Such a strength, she gave it all to God.

During the second hour, I went for a walk.

I was doing the things necessary to feed myself.. Spiritually first, then physically which then took care of mentally.

So this is what I plan to do.

For once i am thinking before I act, I am putting many needs before my own and I am going to use less words. I feel like the fact that I am aware right now is a gift. I know i have been feeling so down lately, but despite my own personal difficulties I am encouraged. I know I can rise to the occasion. I offered my home, I meant it. It is my home. No matter what DH and I are dealing with, this is my home too. I am in charge, I am the matron. I will run my home accordingly, with love. I want people in my home to feel loved and safe, not disconcerted and uncomfortable.

This is my choice.

So that’s the truth of the matter.

I suppose it’s time to rise. I have been typing from my bed, while laying on my stomach. If you have ever done this it’s actually not a very comfortable arrangement.. LOL.

Oh BTW, I did my training the other day too. It was a bit of a laugh. As it was supposed to be me getting the training I was shocked to become the trainee. The hired secretary need me to show her three different things on the computer. What is that? So I didn’t get trained at all. I solved her three problems received some keys and left. Well at least I know I could do the job. I think my adaptability is a greater gift than i realized, apparently not everyone can figure things out so quickly.

Anyway I work again on Monday, I told her that if she had anymore problems write em down and I’d take care of it while I’m there. I am being paid so I might as well do a thorough job.

I think I might grab a cup of coffee, I’ve got some ironing to do.

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