I’ve been thinking about writing all day today. I guess I have alot on my mind these days. I wish I could just talk it all out but I haven’t found an appropriate situation to do so. There is just so much going on all around me these days, it’s a little bit hard to keep up.
I don’t know what to make of my life these days. I can’t stand the feeling that I am merely surviving, just getting by. It’s too precious to make do. I wonder why it’s so hard for me to see the silver lining. I wonder also why it’s so hard to feel happy. I’d even take focused and positive. Happy feels unattainable, like some hi-jinks that belongs in the realm of fables and fairy tales.
I think quite possibly I am clinically depressed. I must have some long standing chemical imbalance that prevents me from free thinking peacefulness. I try to see, I try to be open, I am trying so hard to discern what my purpose is. Too hard -maybe I am over thinking everything. That’s certainly possible. I am a notorious over-thinker.
I have examined every possible cause for this drama in my life. There is none.
Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished. I have done more terrible things, morally terrible I mean.. Maybe this is exactly what I deserve. I don’t know how to mend the past. I have repented. I am sorry, beyond any possible way to express the action. It’s over. I can’t change the past. I hope I have learned. I will try to do better in the future. I am not so proud though to think I’ll never be in trouble again, but I am humble enough to beg not to be.
Then I wonder, if not punishment than am I supposed to be learning something? Some people say the greatest trials of our lives are the moments that we are closest to God. That we are being prepared for something greater. Why then do I feel so alone? I try to be in the moment, to be watchful, to be ever open to the possibilities but lately I am fighting harder than ever to live.
Yesterday I went hiking with my sons youth group. It was all around a day I’d consider very, very good. I experienced so many of my favorite things. We were out doors, we were physically exerting our selves, I was able to walk and pray, we were all alone in the middle of no where, the weather was cool and crisp.. After about an hour climbing, we reached the first summit. We sat together over looking both the ocean on one side of the mountain and our town on the other, we had our lunch right there a top this beautiful mountain.
After lunch the group went to the second summit. I was scared. I didn’t think I could make the climb as it was open and very steep. I decided to wait where I was myself. The group dropped there packs and went up the final piece. I had about 35 or 40 minutes alone.
I just sat. It was so quiet. I didn’t hear a thing. Every once in a while I’d feel the wind pick up, the breeze would russell the little purple flowers all around me in a swirl. There were little tiny dragon flies darting here and there.
It was so incredibly peaceful. I’ll try and hang on to that moment.
After about 15 minutes it starting snowing sort of. It was actually tiny little fluffs of dandelion fluff. Millions of tiny little pieces floating through the air. It was majestic.
After everyone returned safe and sound, we sang together and we prayed. After thanking God for this time to share together we started our descend. It truly was a wonder filled day. I am thank full for the opportunity to have gone along.
My company arrived last night. It’s pretty chaotic right now, with them settling in, the house and all the other stuff going on too. I’m going to try to take everything one step at a time. Tomorrow is going to be a constantly busy day. I plan to start with prayers and then give the rest to God. He will see me though.
I think I am going to go to bed. Dh is irritated with me I don’t blame him I guess. This has to be annoying to everyone around me. I don’t know how much longer I am going to have to endure it. I keep trying to remind myself to use this for something greater, a conversion perhaps? To offer up the suffering. I feel embarrassed to even call what I am going through suffering when there are a billion examples of people in alot worse situations than me. That always makes me feel very ashamed of myself. I don’t know whether that’s right or not. It is what it is. I can’t control my sadness when it comes. That much is obvious.