I just had an epiphany.
I can do it. All of it. Because I have already done it before.
Okay to you the reader, that probably doesn’t make much sense but let me explain…
I have been reading lately more teachings of Fr. Luigi Giussani, he was a prophetic man, living his life according to Christ, with such a tangible awareness..Undoubtedly this man was moved by the Spirit to do this, to teach this. By the example of the experience that he lived.. His method is for anyone that recognises the longing within themselves, and wants to share in this commonality.
Over the years, too many to be honest I have struggled to make some sense of my life, to make some sense the decisions that were made during my life, by me and those near to me. I have struggled for far longer than I would ever let on with my past. I have lived. I am a girl of this world. I am who I am.
But what if I am who I am because He created me this way? What if the past is a means to this present. What if I am who I am, every last moment, every scar, every tear, every new friendship, every new joy, all my faith, in exactly this order, they way that I arrived here.. every long night, every foggy day, every trip into the abyss, every moment of peace, every second of the silence, every lamentation, every broken bone, ever pang of brokenness, every moment of warmth, every goodbye, every healing touch, every drop of blood..
‘The simple are truly wise, the truly intelligent: they are the ones in whom the past has produced the fruit of an openness, of an education to stay in front of that event that is happening now. Therefor the verification of this past always happens in the present.”
I think living my life in all it’s capacity, is what has had the greatest effect on my present awareness, I think that having experienced life in the way that I have, has opened the door for me to recognize the truest longing within in my heart.
“It lasts not as a discourse, not as an organization, but as an event of a changed humanity.”
I am changed. Now that this truth has been recognized it is up to me, not to worry on how to make this last.. for it’s Christ that will take care of that; but it is up to me to recognise Him every time it happens in my life.
The Here and Now!
This is significant to me because it is completely relevant to my own personal dramas, to my trials. Here and Now challenges me to be ever attentive to the reality, to be continually open.
“If He is not present and able to attract all our affection and all our heart, we look for other things to keep us going.” For me this is true. Popularity, recognition, sexuality, feeding my ego, the fast ways of the world.. This can be life without Charism.
Without Christ, Life isn’t possible. Life as it was meant to be lived, not satans version but true love and selfless giving, a life with the awareness of Destiny.
“God is mercy for a man, and the peace within us only has one name: the mercy of God.”
So if there is a longing within you, than you have born witness to the awareness of Christ. This is a gift. I believe with all my heart that this awareness is a gift directly from God. The teaching that I read today are truly gifts of the Spirit, and I am thankful to Fr. Giussani for offering himself to witness to all of us, to the many before us and many that will follow us of that first wonder and then the continual renewal of that same wonder..
It’s the awareness that I am not alone. I have strength inside me that is not my own.
When my children were small, during the formative first years I was their rock. I tended to them day and night, giving all that I had to give to raise them up. I did this on my own. I have been married along time, I was not a single mother, but It was me that took care of them and met all their needs. I have never before now taken responsibility for that. It’s a joy. It was one of the only joyful things I had on more occasions that I care to remember.
I have always felt called to Motherhood, since I was small. My greatest desire. My most priced accomplishment.
Somehow though along the way, I had lost the sentiment and regarded what I do to be of no great consequence.
I think tonight that became so very clear, that it’s right now as it had been in the past -my reality. It’s very important to me to recognise this. We are always changing and evolving and that’s life but for the last 3 years, yes three, I have been lost. Not lost like the lost I lived when I was young but a new kind of lost that happened when I veered off my course and didn’t realize the importance of my vocation.
It’s when Dh came into the picture that I was thrown off axis. The one thing that I ‘thought’ really defined me -he now has taken over. I couldn’t be mad because it was good for all involved to have a Dad that was around more and good for Dh to be more involved with his children… I am not putting any of this on my husband. It is in now way his fault that I acted this way, it’s just the road I choose.. or indirectly chose.
I felt diminished I guess and that’s when lost became a direction.
I wonder how I could not have realized this before?
I could keep writing but the point is, I have been on a journey for a long time and I am so very thankful that though exceedingly difficult at times that I am still moving forward. I am here and now. Here and now is a magnificent place to be.
Do you know that at approximately 5 10pm I was in my kitchen preparing dinner and waiting for my son to come in the door when I just knew, I just knew I could do it. I have always done it, but blindly. Now I am exhilarated. I have been created with a purpose. My life is in His hands.
The difficulties to come- parenting a teen, the dramas of life, the trials that are part of me, the new living arrangements that we are preparing for, the peeks and valley of a marriage, the impending conversion of my husband and especially the momentous devotion I have to my Beloved, my Father in Heaven.. It is in Him that I lay all my cares.
Pope Benedict XVI reminds us, “In the mystery of the Incarnation of the Word, that is, of the fact that God became man like us, lies both the content and the method of Christian proclamation.” The method is available for us. It’s available in the way we behave, the way we live, in the way we continually remain, we beg to remain in reality.. what ever that reality is to each one of us..
To me it’s trusting in Jesus, being joyful, reveling in His presence, witnessing to the reality and being aware of the importance of my vocation.
I feel the longing, it’s the same and different. Same because it’s a need I want to meet, different because I now understand that the longing was instilled into my heart by the breath of God so it is only in him that it can be filled.