..the countdown..

Summer 2009 048

Yesterday was the best Tuesday I’ve had in a good long time. I was considering this. Why now are Tuesday’s changing into regular run of the mill days? For the last year Tuesday’s have been incredibly unkind and unwelcome?? I know that does sound rather strange as I am not superstitious at all.. It’s not a notion though, it’s absolutely hard fact..

I’ll tell you a little something and maybe it has something to do with the shift.

I write many times to process information. I find when writing out my thoughts I am better able to translate my thinking into coherent, lucid, straight lines.. He he- well most of the time. A bout a month ago I woke up in the middle of the night as I often do with an idea.. I seem to have my best ideas around 4 45am. I have conceded and now I leave a note pad and a pen beside my bed..

A little tangent- for instance, three nights ago I woke up with an entire menu planned out  including recipes and tools needed to do so for a retreat I will be cooking at – that is not for another 3months… two nights I woke awoke to the thought of a couple of really elderly parishioners that I visit.. so last night the kids and I went to visit and it turns out the visit couldn’t have been more appreciated, I often wake up with new recipe ideas or a menu ideas.. I wasn’t surprised at all that the retreat menu came to me that way as well.

I think that must be the time that my brain finally can work things out. I am usually quite busy as is any stay at home mother of two, so maybe that when I am relaxed enough to solve problems.. While asleep… I am completely guessing here but that’s the theory that best seems plausible.

So like the past few nights, I awoke around the same time during the night nearly a month ago, with an idea for a book. A story that should be told. The title of that book.. Tuesday. Since then Tuesday’s are barely even notice worthy, as ordinary as any of the other six! Strange right. That’s what I was thinking about yesterday.

September is coming the countdown is on.

I received a back to school letter in the mail from our children’s principal, just the usual welcome back.. In five days my BIL, SIL and brand new niece are moving in, Dh will be back from camp temporarily and hopefully I’ll be ready. In about 14 days Ds begins football and in 21 Dd begins dance. Life as we know it returns. I’m not sure why but that makes me nervous.

This morning when I woke it was slightly earlier only around 4 15am.. but I have sense of unease.. like unfinished business.. I can think of several unfinished business items that I am going to take care of over the next five days. I wonder if that will alleviate the wee morning hour wake ups??

Maybe all this free time is too much? I do enjoy being busy and focused.. Around here since we have arrived home it’s been nothing more than a constant stream of children in and out, snacks, reading, lunches, dishes, pick ups, bike-rides, swimming, movies, a constant and pathetic attempt to manage and I might add not nearly my usual standard of clothing maintenance.. Laundry…. I have whites that are not quite white at the moment.. Blah! The horror!!

So to plan, just a little because lets face it I am lost without a plan. This coming fall I want to focus and simplify. That’s my fall theme. I will not be going back to school, at least not right now. I may take a job at a book store. Maybe. I am going to focus on my family, on the flow of my home life, my health- spiritual, physical and mental, and I am going to write.

It’s all I really want to do anyway, so I am going to. Maybe this is my plan. Everything is sure pointing me in the direction.

Awareness

The awareness.. it always comes back to that- doesn’t it.

School isn’t working out. Funding isn’t there at the moment. I just can’t ask Dh right now. I need to generate or be frugal -not spend. That is something I am trying so very hard to keep in mind. His living condition is questionable, awful even but that is the only job available so in thanksgiving I will not be rash and wasteful.

I think that it’s incredible thatI passed all my tests marvelously, I am a very good candidate for the program but even if a spot opens up I am going to turn it down. At least for now. I am just happy to know that I made it. It’s a very validating feeling.

With the new numbers in my home, organization is key. I am going to do my best, this is what I am called to do and I will do it proudly and with love. I want to create a loving environment, with Mary as my guide.. I am confident that I can do it.

My children are changing so much, I think my attention right now is of the utmost importance. I usually insist on family sit down dinners no TV, properly set table.. no matter how many of us there are. I have always done this and I think it’s really important to have that time espeicailly when our days are so busy to sit down together and check in.

I have found out many, many things during our dinners, the most recent shocker was that my 11.5 year old has had his first kiss. At a retreat no less!! I found this out during dinner in which one of his friends was joining us. I think it’s wonderful that even Ds’s friends feel comfortable enough to share during this time. It opened up a very educational discussion about life for those guys. I think as young as I am, even I was oblivious as to the pressures that are facing them and their peers right now. Drinking, drugs, sex, sneaking out, peer pressure, the incredible desires to ‘fit in’.. It’s sad really. What more can I do though, I monitor his activities, I know his friends, I teach him strategies to resist temptations, I don’t sugar coat, I don’t lie, I hope I have taught him self respect, and that his morals will be taken into account.  The rest I give to Jesus. I know his faith is there, I know he is accountable, I know he is human and mistakes are inevitable, but I wish I could bubble wrap him and keep him five.  In reality the best I can do for him at the moment is to be attentive and present.

We are starting to meet weekly, for the Movement of CL. If you haven’t heard of Communion and Liberation or School of community which is what our weekly meetings are going to be look here or here. I feel this is the place to enlighten my insatiable desire to be fed spiritually. The teaching of Fr Giussani are of God. I think I have been on a path to this point for some time and it’s important to be attentive now especially to the teachings.

I think I am right where I am supposed to be. I am able to maintain the awareness of the needs of those around me. I am faced with the dramas of my life to enlighten me, to help me to grow in my faith, to help me help those nearest to me grow in there’s..

My vocation is paramount, it’s what He has called me to do. My life is in His hands. I am a servant in this life. It is my choice. I pray ever day for the strength to carry out my duties, and to reflect my Love for Him on to my neighbors, to be attentive to the moments, and lastly to have a keen awareness of the Mystery of His Presence.

So the countdown is on.. but I am okay, I am where I am meant to be.

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