..mad..

You know I don’t actually get mad very much. I feel guilty, I feel flustered and irritated, I am passive aggressive, I am forever apologising for my moods.. But today after many days of thinking and being upset I have come to the conclusion- I am Mad.

I don’t want to hurt anyone but I so feel that I am unjustly hurt again and again. Maybe I am a door mat – I let it happen, but every time I trust someone it never works out.

Right this second I am mad.

I after all the bullshit that has gone on In my marriage- I still chose him. He is another person with incredible brainwashing skills. So a few months ago we have supposedly turned over a new leaf.. but then two months ago He stayed out all night doing cocaine and drinking. Oh yes he did! How scummy is that. He’s a dog. Last night, he doesn’t call. I know he is somewhere that he has reception, he checked his messages. Then I get a call at midnight, which I am beginning to think was by accident. I know he checked his message after I left one, after that call. I can not do this anymore. He is a lying cheater.

He always strings me along with empty promises. He said he would pay for me to get an operation in which may help to restore my fertility.. but it’s always put off and If that’s my greatest hope. I AM DONE.

He’s an inconsidderate jerk. I am so done spending my life in this perpetual state of sadness.

I want to live. I am terrified because I have no idea how to do this on my own. I just want to be happy. I don’t ever want to be married or in love again. All my life I have been used and taken advantage of.. I am tired of it.

So I may be out a friend and a husband.. But what are my blessings? I want to write this is what I deserve, I have so many negative thoughts plaguing me constantly it’s hard to see the light sometimes. BUT I don’t deserve this.

What do you think? How do I proceed now?

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