..last day..

Of being 29. I think I enjoyed it thoroughly, the day I meant. Mostly I read today. I got myself into a great book that was hard to put down, so after completing the minimum of the required tasks that I might do on a Friday.. there I sat nose in my book.

This is off topic, but I just have to write about my morning.

Okay I am not going to go into total details, but I just have to say.. Mass this morning, very moving. Okay I do love St Augustine, he truly inspires me. But the way Fr, was speaking about him, his works, the unwavering hope.. I in turn was greatly filled. Such reassurance. I can hardly describe the way my heart inflated.

What can I say, all my favorite saints.. Ambrose, Monika, Augustine, and tomorrow St. John the Baptist. (unfortunately it’s commemorating his beheading) But still I could have been born on a worse or less inspiring day.. Way to go Mom!

I have to say, as I was sitting in mass with my new found resignation.. everything and I mean everything seemed different, easier almost. Like how could I be so obtuse, what would have prevented me from realizing this great mystery years ago!!? My burden felt lighter. I am human so I admit I had to remind my self several times, be nice, be kind, ebbing ego.. stay down, but over all that wasn’t really that difficult. I did it and that’s what mattered.

So I’m going to be a God Parent. That’s a pretty significant request, at least I think it is. I asked some tough questions, tonight of my BIL and SIL. I know it and it’s especially true in my family, there is alot of watered down Catholicism. I know or at least it’s true in the cases of my own children’s God parent’s, that the job is certainly not taken with much reguard of the requirements. I want to be sure that if I agreed to stand up for this little niece of mine that her parents are going to support her faith.

I directly asked them if they are truly willing to raise their children according to our faith. It was an interesting conversation. I guess I was thinking a little about t John the baptist and I seriously went out on a limb. We talked during dinner in front of Dh in front of my own kids and in front of MIL. Witnesses.. We talked about the importance of Sunday obligation, about setting an example for O (My Niece), about being committed to her sacraments, in later years. We talked about the jeopardy we as parents can inflict on our children, the jeopardy in which we put there very souls when we take them away form the Church, not to mention what we do to our own..

This was not my intention, but as the opportunity arose, I took it.. Dh has not attended Mass since Steve was killed. I only asked for one thing for my birthday. His confession. I pray every single day for his conversion, whether we are together or not I still pray for him. It’s very hard to know he is in mortal danger and will do nothing to change.

So during our conversation at dinner, I hope some small seed may have been planted in Dh. I told SIL and BIL that if they wanted me to be her God Mother, I would pray for her everyday as I do for my own children and I’d guide her in her faith as long as I lived. I am committed to Jesus. I only want the same for my family. I’d be so lost with out Him. I’ve been lost. I’ve walked the valley of death, I have lived in the shade… NO MORE. I am a child of God, as O will soon be. I’ll always do everything in my power to help her to never be with out the Holy Spirit.

Anyway, today was good as far as Fridays go, I really didn’t do much. As I said I read alot, I went to Mass this morning, I met with Fr A, planned out the meals for a Youth Retreat coming in the fall, I finished my ironing, I cleaned my house, I even did the big job of windows, I made a lovely dinner for my whole family, and tonight the kids and I watched a movie. Now here I sit contemplating my day, writing out my thoughts.. I got up so early this morning I think I might got to bed right now. It’s not early anyway..

Tomorrow I am meeting Les Tres Professionals at the mill and we are going to hit the trails. I am going to run a very difficult route, at 7 30 am on my birthday.. LOL and that sounds like the perfect way to begin this new year.

What can I say. 29 has been a journey, an experience that I won’t soon forget. I think I have come ALONG way this year, I’ve made some truly good friends, I am alot more comfortable in my skin, I know what I want and where I am going, I am happy to be me… That practically a miracle. Thank you God!!

Good Night, Readers~

..resignation..

I think i am finally here. Submission, obedience, resignation what ever you wish to call it. Thy will, not my will.

I have been mulling that over for the last while and after quite a bit of time in prayer, I feel very contented.

Charity, it’s action not intentions. Good intentions really are meaningless when referred to within the scope of a charitable act. Action, loving self sacrifice. That’s charity.

That might seem like a deep topic for 5 45 am but you know what, no better way to start the day.

For the last two days I have been really thinking about all of this. I was dreading the arrival of MIL. She definitely brings out the worst in me, especially now with all this upheaval.

Wednesday morning, after mass I wasn’t feeling so great but it occurred to me, that those feelings were unnecessary. Everything will be okay. I had a lot of stuff to do, so I went through my day with such purpose. I began the day with Christ and that’s is how I closed the day also.

I started to noticed the positives in my midst. Isn’t that what I had been praying for, a semblance that I am in fact not alone? That there are far greater things in my life than me? So that morning, I was given a sign. Later that day I received another gift, prayer in a more personable form. Prayer that suits my needs. It’s hard to believe that I lacking so much, that when finally I fitted the puzzle piece it was exact. That night I arranged a run, it was my best yet. A personal best.

That’s another topic I want to explore, the psychology behind running, but I’ll get into it later.

I came home and felt better.

Yesterday was anxious. The apprehension was oozing off me. It’s always like that when MIL comes to town. Like I said she really brings out the worst in me. Here’s the thing though. I let her.

I only act the way I act because I choose to act that way. There are no cosmic forces guiding my steps, actions, or words. All my choices.

Last night, I had two hours to myself.

I spent the first hour alone in the church. It was a Thursday, and it was St. Monica’s Feast day. I love her. She is one of my most favorite saints. Why do you think? That woman hardly lead an ‘easy’ life. Her husband was likely abusive, her son a delinquent and she so graciously led them both home. Such a strength, she gave it all to God.

During the second hour, I went for a walk.

I was doing the things necessary to feed myself.. Spiritually first, then physically which then took care of mentally.

So this is what I plan to do.

For once i am thinking before I act, I am putting many needs before my own and I am going to use less words. I feel like the fact that I am aware right now is a gift. I know i have been feeling so down lately, but despite my own personal difficulties I am encouraged. I know I can rise to the occasion. I offered my home, I meant it. It is my home. No matter what DH and I are dealing with, this is my home too. I am in charge, I am the matron. I will run my home accordingly, with love. I want people in my home to feel loved and safe, not disconcerted and uncomfortable.

This is my choice.

So that’s the truth of the matter.

I suppose it’s time to rise. I have been typing from my bed, while laying on my stomach. If you have ever done this it’s actually not a very comfortable arrangement.. LOL.

Oh BTW, I did my training the other day too. It was a bit of a laugh. As it was supposed to be me getting the training I was shocked to become the trainee. The hired secretary need me to show her three different things on the computer. What is that? So I didn’t get trained at all. I solved her three problems received some keys and left. Well at least I know I could do the job. I think my adaptability is a greater gift than i realized, apparently not everyone can figure things out so quickly.

Anyway I work again on Monday, I told her that if she had anymore problems write em down and I’d take care of it while I’m there. I am being paid so I might as well do a thorough job.

I think I might grab a cup of coffee, I’ve got some ironing to do.

..moments..

I’ve been thinking about writing all day today. I guess I have alot on my mind these days. I wish I could just talk it all out but I haven’t found an appropriate situation to do so. There is just so much going on all around me these days, it’s a little bit hard to keep up.

I don’t know what to make of my life these days. I can’t stand the feeling that I am merely surviving, just getting by. It’s too precious to make do. I wonder why it’s so hard for me to see the silver lining. I wonder also why it’s so hard to feel happy. I’d even take focused and positive. Happy feels unattainable, like some hi-jinks that belongs in the realm of fables and fairy tales.

I think quite possibly I am clinically depressed. I must have some long standing chemical imbalance that prevents me from free thinking peacefulness. I try to see, I try to be open, I am trying so hard to discern what my purpose is. Too hard -maybe I am over thinking everything. That’s certainly possible. I am a notorious over-thinker.

I have examined every possible cause for this drama in my life. There is none.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished. I have done more terrible things, morally terrible I mean.. Maybe this is exactly what I deserve. I don’t know how to mend the past. I have repented. I am sorry, beyond any possible way to express the action. It’s over. I can’t change the past. I hope I have learned. I will try to do better in the future. I am not so proud though to think I’ll never be in trouble again, but I am humble enough to beg not to be.

Then I wonder, if not punishment than am I supposed to be learning something? Some people say the greatest trials of our lives are the moments that we are closest to God. That we are being prepared for something greater. Why then do I feel so alone? I try to be in the moment, to be watchful, to be ever open to the possibilities but lately I am fighting harder than ever to live.

Yesterday I went hiking with my sons youth group. It was all around a day I’d consider very, very good. I experienced so many of my favorite things. We were out doors, we were physically exerting our selves, I was able to walk and pray, we were all alone in the middle of no where, the weather was cool and crisp.. After about an hour climbing, we reached the first summit. We sat together over looking both the ocean on one side of the mountain and our town on the other, we had our lunch right there a top this beautiful mountain.

After lunch the group went to the second summit. I was scared. I didn’t think I could make the climb as it was open and very steep. I decided to wait where I was myself. The group dropped there packs and went up the final piece. I had about 35 or 40 minutes alone.

I just sat. It was so quiet. I didn’t hear a thing. Every once in a while I’d feel the wind pick up, the breeze would russell the little purple flowers all around me in a swirl. There were little tiny dragon flies darting here and there.

It was so incredibly peaceful. I’ll try and hang on to that moment.

After about 15 minutes it starting snowing sort of. It was actually tiny little fluffs of dandelion fluff. Millions of tiny little pieces floating through the air. It was majestic.

After everyone returned safe and sound, we sang together and we prayed.  After thanking God for this time to share together we started our descend. It truly was a wonder filled day. I am thank full for the opportunity to have gone along.

My company arrived last night. It’s pretty chaotic right now, with them settling in, the house and all the other stuff going on too. I’m going to try to take everything one step at a time. Tomorrow is going to be a constantly busy day. I plan to start with prayers and then give the rest to God. He will see me though.

I think I am going to go to bed. Dh is irritated with me I don’t blame him I guess. This has to be annoying to everyone around me. I don’t know how much longer I am going to have to endure it. I keep trying to remind myself to use this for something greater, a conversion perhaps? To offer up the suffering. I feel embarrassed to even call what I am going through suffering when there are a billion examples of people in alot worse situations than me. That always makes me feel very ashamed of myself. I don’t know whether that’s right or not. It is what it is. I can’t control my sadness when it comes. That much is obvious.