..crushing..

It’s hard keeping these two blogs. It’s like the two side of me once again only tangible. As I write in the other I am forbidden to indulge on any of my little sad whims. Here though I am free to write as I feel. It’s the same in my life. I am wearing the mask with such precision now that I can actively live while wearing it. But alone and usually only when I am alone off it comes and there is left only me.

I am sad today. No real reason. Nostalgic maybe about what once was. Silly right, life is good. Dh and I settled the trouble with Christie. No really though, I conceded. I brightened up and hosted a dinner party. It’s what I do.. Idol hands are the devils play things.. I do not want to mess around with anything that brings me back there. So If I stay busy it’s just a little bit easier.

I don’t know though. It feels like it’s been band-aided. Why I wonder sometimes is it so easy to be here. I forget all about the past, my hurts and my brokenness. I focus on others and really live in a selfless way. That makes me feel good. I am happy. Truly. But then here I sit and slowly I am crushed by the weight of it all. Out of the blue. It really makes no sense.

I do trust in God. I think that if he wills this suffering than I am too endure it. Even if it hurts.

I feel so lonely. That’s all.

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