I am so sad again, today ended up being awful. How on earth did I get here again? It’s not even Tuesday. Today really felt like a Tuesday. As soon as Dh got home he read it on my face. I was okay about the Scotia thing, about the new girl first aider – not so much. I don’t know why I have such strong feelings about this, but I do and I am sick over it.
I am so stuck again. I want to go home so badly right now and i am stuck here. He is not the one for me I know it. What loving husband acts like he does. I flat out told him what i needed and he ignored me and then got angry. What has changed. I stumbled and he does not forgive me. I am Jealous, I am not sure why other than the obvious.
I do not trust him at all.
It make me sick, I hate every second of this feeling. I am a miserable person for it too. What am I going to do? I am scared to leave but I just don’t think I can open myself up to him. I want to trust him but I don’t.
He makes me feel so alone and sad. It’s past midnight now, I cried a ton of tears for nothing, I let the inkling of despair set in and I am sorry. I really just wanted a hug. I wanted a tiny bit of reassurance that I am in fact loved. It was awful.
What to do. I need a plan, I need some strength. I need help. I need a friend that loves me, no matter what. I need a friend I can trust that actually likes me for me and doesn’t only talk to me when he wants to. I hate this freeze out.
I don’t think I can handle him being friends with her, I have no idea why I am having such a strong aversion to her. But to me that’s a flag. My gut instincts are good. Dh said something to me tonight that was weird he accused me of having a lack of faith because he married me, before God and since I am so strong in faith that should suffice. What on earth is he talking about? That’s a contradiction. I do trust in God, but I also know that he does control the actions of Dh or this other woman. If I am going to suffer through another affair, it’s not God doing. The only way God may be brought into this is because i know I can rely on Him who made me to give me the strength sufficient to endure what ever comes my way. What ever that my be.
I don’t believe in coincidences. I just don’t quite know what to to. After all this typing, i think I feel a bit more directed. Tomorrow thank God is Sunday I can go to mass, receive Jesus and pray in His presence. Maybe I’ll have an bit more comfort after tomorrow.
Who knows. This feels like a losing battle. Maybe this is retribution.. I do deserve it.
I am tired of the drama. I just want to be free.
Please Lord, don’t leave me.