Well I am in no better a place than last night with it all, except that I am not crying and I am Strengthened.
I am starting to think this trust thing is going to be less of a feeling and more of an action. Like I am just going to have to do it. That’s all no matter what I am feeling. Okay realistically, I am not that strong. I am haunted by the past. I need to move on. I just can not.
Today is our thirteenth anniversary. Thirteen years we have been together. That is a long time. I don’t know what to do. Trust is precious, jealously is poison.
My stomach hurts because I have been slowly poisoning myself for years and years. I see through poison colored glasses, everything I think is tainted with this poison. So what is my antidote? What’s the cure?
This is most certainly a circumstance. How am I too face it, reality despite the good intentions isn’t all that great.
I have such a hope. Hope for us, hope for his conversion, hope for our family but it’s human hope. I can not live with out the Mystery in my life. How does this correlate? How can my awareness help this situation? I don’t want to put my head in the sand, I want to live. I want to breath freely and deep. I want to face this trial and bare fruit. I am open. I swear I am. Help me Lord, use me, use us.. I am a servant in this grand plan of yours. But please Lord just don’t leave me.
I went to Mass today. I felt the grip of all that torment slacken. I spend time just me and Him. I can not tell you how much His presence affects me. It’s a bold feeling. I am constantly thirsting for it.
There was no priest, it was a Lay Mass. There was no consecration, but we did receive Jesus in the Eucharist. I guess this is something that happens about once a month here. It wasn’t at all what I expected. We didn’t have Christ present through a priest, but He was there with us in the Lay Minister, In the words of the Scripture, in the Hosts, in the Tabernacle, in the friends gathered together to worship and give thanks.. It was beautiful in it’s own way.
I felt such a reprieve I didn’t want o leave. I guess we are far luckier than I ever imagined. We have two not one, but two really fantastic priests, we have a vibrant, active parish, we have a wonderful youth ministry, we have Jesus available any time we want to visit in the Blessed Sacrament. I am so thank full to live were I do.
Imagine all the people not necessarily in little places like this but in the place were they are not ALLOWD to have mass. Were they are not even allowed to profess their faith. We should pray for those people. I am reminded of this book I am reading. It’s a personal account of the Holocaust, I guess i should look at the larger picture here. Life isn’t so bad. I don’t trust my husband, but I don’t have to worry about my personal safety. I live a comfortable life, I have everything I need.. All around me there is poverty and tribulation.. I mean a man died at work the other day, his child is now orphend, a man next door is all alone in this world, he suffers immeasurably, there are people being raped and brutally beaten every second simply because of there stature in there community, there are babies thousands and thousands of babies being murdered everyday because they are an inconvenience to there parents, there are millions of babies unloved and uncared for, not to mention the children, living a life of despair addicted to drugs and trafficked like chattel, tiny fragile children hurt in the worst ways, many, many elderly people that are long forgotten my too busy family members that forget where they came form and pay more attention to there pets than there isolated often mistreated grandparents… Oh I could go on and on.. Theses are the people I am going to focus my attention and prayers on.. I beg You Lord to humble me, I am your servant, help me through this as you see fit.