Awareness- July 15, 2009

When asked the other evening; “How does CL -the things I have read translate into my life?” I couldn’t answer on the spot- it was just like when that random man after Mass asked me the same question last week.

 That’s when I really started to consider what the reality of Luigi’s texts meant to me in my life.. I have being examining the truths I am faced with. And in a nut shell, the short answer is Awareness. CL brings awareness’.

Christ is present in my life. I am developing a greater awareness of my purpose. I have actual reasons for this thought, I think the more aware I am the more supporting reasons if you will -seem to be realized. I am becoming aware in such a tangible way of the longing, I can see in my effort for fulfillment I have tried unsuccessfully for years to quench the desire of my heart with ungodly things.. to no avail obviously.

I see the more I am accepting this truth, the more I am able to see Christ around me in my daily life. I see also that He may have been there before, yet I was disinterested and not really paying attention…

Over the last few months, I have endured various struggles, and the thing that makes these struggles different from all others in my past was the purpose. I am journeying now, no longer wondering aimlessly though life.. My gaze is fixed and I am moving forward. I am no longer looking within myself, no longer regulating my ideals based on my wishes, my ought to’s, my plans.. I can totally see I am His. I am made for Him.

To me this is HUGE. I think that’s why it is so hard to explain. I can say, and it’s so simple, but I am still so much in a state of awe that it’s hard to explain.

So that seems to be the foundation, I feel as thought I have been dropped onto a little row boat in the middle of a beautiful lake.. and the ripples of this new truth are resonating out from every direction. Christ is the boat and I am within Him. Name an area of my life and I’ll explain how this awareness is affecting it.

My Vocation.. I am a wife and I am a mother. I didn’t think that was of such a grave importance.. but it is. It’s what I am made to do, and in doing it well I am also doing it for Him who made me. In caring for my children, in creating a good meal, in listening to them, in providing a peaceful environment I am working for but also with Christ. I am with Him always, in every task.. If I choose. He has chosen me, and I will choose Him. I must choose Him, it’s not an action without a choice, but even the simplest action -doing laundry.. Menial things- if I am aware of Christ’s presence, He becomes reality.. Even in my simplicity..

Does that make sense? It’s tangible.

In another direction the ripples reach the people in my life.. When I became aware of the Presence of Christ in my midst, the people I have met directly and indirectly become a tangible way witness the Mystery of the Presence. Being aware has allowed me to be able to see Christ in them… It’s the most loving gesture.

I have witnessed Christ in my Husband under the most impossible of circumstances, Last week, after the shocking death of his old friend, when he was consoling another friend, he found soothing words that flowed from his heart, the heart I knew listening, could only be coming from the Most Sacred Heart. My husbands face changed, he was filled with peace.

In my old friends Joe and Margaret, I met this couple a few months ago, during one of the dark periods on my journey. Long before I recognized the Presence in my life.. I walked into their home, to help them in a tangible charitable way.. It was actually a call for SSVP. Well, I’ve never been into an environment like that before. My heart thudded, and I could see in there actions a love of life that I had never ever witnessed in my reality. In the way He cared for his wife, in the way she looked at her husband, in their stories of days long past, the bond between them was inspiring. I truly believe they were placed in my life for a significant reason. I met them in a time when my hope was dwindling.. They by their wisdom and fully caring actions inspired me in such a myriad of ways.. I’ll cherish these two people for the rest of my life.

 How about the random person that stopped me the other day to talk after Mass? Why would some random person ask me such a tough question? If I had been more aware that day I’d have known, I’d have seen, I’d have known that I was in the Presence. His was in my path to help me look closer, to help me realize that I need to actively recognize the Presence. I need to focus my gaze.

You never know why, so the opportunity to see it is yours if you want it..

On another note; That’s why I think discernment in each situation is important.. Sometimes that does in fact mean taking the extra five minutes that they (whom ever they is) need from you.. Last night I was sitting on the floor of my Mother in law’s room listening to my Sister in law, talking. I’ll admit I wasn’t feeling very charitable; she can be a little bit trying. She was telling me something that was not relevant to me, and she was complaining. I could have made an excuse not to listen and walked out.. But I didn’t. Rather I looked at her and felt warmness in my heart. Right now this is what she needs. She suffers in a lot of areas of her life- I know this. I paid attention.

I knew I was there for a reason, I didn’t know the reason but a few minutes of my time were worth the effort. You never know when Christ will be in your midst through another person.. Even though I wasn’t feeling charitable at first, I am not a saint.. The awareness of Christ’s Presence helped me in my action last night to be charitable. I did listen, and in the end I was the one that benefited. I felt good, in my heart for having witnessed that moment.

So as I am truly fixing my gaze on Christ, it becomes a daily action.

I completely understand despondency.. I see how it changes hearts.. It’s sorrowful. I know that if it is His will I will be faced with trials, I am by no mean perfect.. Even I, at times become despondent and hard willed, impatient and selfish. But I am now faced with the truth that trials are part of His path to the fulfillment of our destiny. It doesn’t seem pointless. It is for purpose.

Last week was difficult, it still is, but I think being so fresh having spent the better part of two weeks immersed in the text of the school of community.. I mean I wasn’t just reading I was studying and re reading.. I was reflecting and putting his (Luigis) words in to action.. in regards to my daily life. I felt the Presence before I fully understood there was a Presence to feel.. So when faced with this trial.. It was awful in spades but I was assured and in return I was able to reassure others.. I looked for Christ and He was there in more moments than I can count. In that agonizing wait, the blow of the news, in the sadness, panic, the despair in the faces around me..

I knew even when faced with the secularism in this very house (my parents) the scepticism surrounding my parents, my sister, the lack of faith.. I knew it was meant to happen in this way at this time.. I was meant to see it such as it is. I am here, (not on earth, but I mean in this moment). Because He will’s it so. I don’t have to like it, but who am I to say no?

I am patiently working through each situation. Maybe I am here right now to help? Charity is a life time commitment, an action filled with Love but ultimately it is given.. by me. Maybe I am given the grace of such strong faith so that I may carry some of the burden or to be a beacon of hope to those around me that are truly living despondently. Maybe I am enduing the last year’s turmoil so that I may bring another to Him? Maybe I am here so that I may help simply by living my faith. Maybe I am here to see, to see Christ in the actions, the sadness, or the situations that arise to teach..

I have no idea what my purpose is, all I know is that there is a reason. I am marked for Him who made me, I am journeying though as many joys as trials, my gaze is irrevocable set upon Christ and I am filled with Faith, Hope and especially Love.

I am so thankful to recognize in my daily life Christ’s Presence. This awareness is the most significant gift I could have ever received.

I went running this morning, I have this little spot about half way through and I can see as far as the eye will allow over the ocean.. I can even see the Presence in that moment, the beauty of the scene before me. The sparkling shimmers in the water, the rays of light coming through the clouds.. It feels like a gift. I am thankful and appreciative for the moment..

Awareness. That’s what CL has brought into my life.


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