..crushing..

It’s hard keeping these two blogs. It’s like the two side of me once again only tangible. As I write in the other I am forbidden to indulge on any of my little sad whims. Here though I am free to write as I feel. It’s the same in my life. I am wearing the mask with such precision now that I can actively live while wearing it. But alone and usually only when I am alone off it comes and there is left only me.

I am sad today. No real reason. Nostalgic maybe about what once was. Silly right, life is good. Dh and I settled the trouble with Christie. No really though, I conceded. I brightened up and hosted a dinner party. It’s what I do.. Idol hands are the devils play things.. I do not want to mess around with anything that brings me back there. So If I stay busy it’s just a little bit easier.

I don’t know though. It feels like it’s been band-aided. Why I wonder sometimes is it so easy to be here. I forget all about the past, my hurts and my brokenness. I focus on others and really live in a selfless way. That makes me feel good. I am happy. Truly. But then here I sit and slowly I am crushed by the weight of it all. Out of the blue. It really makes no sense.

I do trust in God. I think that if he wills this suffering than I am too endure it. Even if it hurts.

I feel so lonely. That’s all.

..i’m back..

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.. in the words of my Mother..

I made it. It was an interesting trip home, the further south we drive the more the mercury was arising.. We didn’t arrive home until nearly midnight and it was H-O-T!!! It felt like after you step off an air conditioned plane or Vehicle in a tropical southern destination.. But alas no tropical beaches here, but on a positive note we do have Sprout!!

I can’t focus again, I am going to ramble a little bit to see if the words start to flow.

I spent the better part of the day cleaning my home. It hadn;t been done in over a month with us being away and you could tell. Disgusting!! I am a little bit AR (Anal Retentive) so that bugged me. I feel as thought I can breath easier. Literally too, the AC is on and I’m actually a little bit cold. No more stuffy can-not-breath in this heat.

My house is filled with children. Both kids have friends over.. I love that. I made a cool snack today, chocolate dipped fruit with a tiramisu cream on the side.. It’s sooooo good to get back into my kitchen. Although I did fair fairly well in my trailer.. I hosted a dinner party for 11 people on Monday. I wanted to do something special to replace that really awful feeling hanging over the place since Steve was killed. It felt good to get everyone together in a friendly light hearted way. We talked, we ate, we laughed, we shared and hopefully everyone left filled in more ways than with food.

I made several different salads, Seafood pasta, Greek, Caesar with home made crouton’s, and of course my famous potato, then I made BBQ Chicken but I did it the slow roasted way and to top off, because let’s face it I was mostly feeding a bunch of hungry fallers.. I cooked steaks. They were perfectly juicy seasoned with the right amount of spice cooked to a perfect pink. I love cooking. I especially love cooking for others. I just think that food can be such a treasure. You must taste and enjoy, never rushing, never how can I put this… Never simply making do. Cooking can be an art.. It’s my art. It’s one of my Joys.

I decorated the table with candles of different levels and neatly wrapped cutlery. I used vibrant napkins and funky plates. It was so much fun.

We didn’t get to bed that night until almost 11. It was a good night. Oh I forgot to mention the dessert, I made my signature. It turned out great, which I was kind of nervous about that because I didn’t have all my proper tools but I made do, and thankfully it turned out.

We went to Cape Scott before we headed home. What a beautiful place. I have never seen anything as sublime. Well maybe I have but that day it struck me like no other day before it had. I was contented. I walked along the water with my family, I layed in the sun and reveled in the warm rays, I marveled at the unsurpassed beauty.. blues and greens and glittering splashes.

I acknowledged the Mystery before me. The radiance, the beauty, all created in a breath. how is it possible to be. We are such normal creatures you and I. People-intricate yet studious. Created from the the same majesty.. it’s such a miracle to be here. A blessing beyond any other.

That reminds me..

My Niece was born on Sunday. Little Olivia. Thinking about her gives me butterflies as if some great story has just come full circle.

I’ll tell you about it. Because as I was typing I just had a realization.. But I have to go for now.. So it will have to be later..

Be well faithful readers..

..i'm back..

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.. in the words of my Mother..

I made it. It was an interesting trip home, the further south we drive the more the mercury was arising.. We didn’t arrive home until nearly midnight and it was H-O-T!!! It felt like after you step off an air conditioned plane or Vehicle in a tropical southern destination.. But alas no tropical beaches here, but on a positive note we do have Sprout!!

I can’t focus again, I am going to ramble a little bit to see if the words start to flow.

I spent the better part of the day cleaning my home. It hadn;t been done in over a month with us being away and you could tell. Disgusting!! I am a little bit AR (Anal Retentive) so that bugged me. I feel as thought I can breath easier. Literally too, the AC is on and I’m actually a little bit cold. No more stuffy can-not-breath in this heat.

My house is filled with children. Both kids have friends over.. I love that. I made a cool snack today, chocolate dipped fruit with a tiramisu cream on the side.. It’s sooooo good to get back into my kitchen. Although I did fair fairly well in my trailer.. I hosted a dinner party for 11 people on Monday. I wanted to do something special to replace that really awful feeling hanging over the place since Steve was killed. It felt good to get everyone together in a friendly light hearted way. We talked, we ate, we laughed, we shared and hopefully everyone left filled in more ways than with food.

I made several different salads, Seafood pasta, Greek, Caesar with home made crouton’s, and of course my famous potato, then I made BBQ Chicken but I did it the slow roasted way and to top off, because let’s face it I was mostly feeding a bunch of hungry fallers.. I cooked steaks. They were perfectly juicy seasoned with the right amount of spice cooked to a perfect pink. I love cooking. I especially love cooking for others. I just think that food can be such a treasure. You must taste and enjoy, never rushing, never how can I put this… Never simply making do. Cooking can be an art.. It’s my art. It’s one of my Joys.

I decorated the table with candles of different levels and neatly wrapped cutlery. I used vibrant napkins and funky plates. It was so much fun.

We didn’t get to bed that night until almost 11. It was a good night. Oh I forgot to mention the dessert, I made my signature. It turned out great, which I was kind of nervous about that because I didn’t have all my proper tools but I made do, and thankfully it turned out.

We went to Cape Scott before we headed home. What a beautiful place. I have never seen anything as sublime. Well maybe I have but that day it struck me like no other day before it had. I was contented. I walked along the water with my family, I layed in the sun and reveled in the warm rays, I marveled at the unsurpassed beauty.. blues and greens and glittering splashes.

I acknowledged the Mystery before me. The radiance, the beauty, all created in a breath. how is it possible to be. We are such normal creatures you and I. People-intricate yet studious. Created from the the same majesty.. it’s such a miracle to be here. A blessing beyond any other.

That reminds me..

My Niece was born on Sunday. Little Olivia. Thinking about her gives me butterflies as if some great story has just come full circle.

I’ll tell you about it. Because as I was typing I just had a realization.. But I have to go for now.. So it will have to be later..

Be well faithful readers..