..nothing will ever be the same..

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It’s true. Nothing. will. ever. be. the. same. EVER.

Why am I not surprised though? I am not. Disappointed yes, a little. It’s okay though. I’m alright with this, it is for the greater good. I may live my life in this semi comma sadness, oh sure there are always occasions of clarity and cheerfulness, but then here it comes like an old friend. Only I’d say this is the kind of friend that you tolerate, not really enjoying their company but you know them so well that, that in it’s self is consoling.

I guess you can see, I am still in my abyss. I saw light today, it shone from the opening, illuminating the facets of my heart, it was fleeting. If this is my path I am going to give in. That’s was what I was thinking about this morning in Mass. The reading was the famous, BE kind to your enemies. The Homily reminded me, that it’s always for the greater good. Jesus wants us to forgive over and over again, and quickly too. We must be willing to embrace those that persecute us. For God’s purpose, not our own. Our rewards will hardly be here on earth, but as this life is so short, a breath among the stars, we must consider our eternal reward.

So as the husband is sanctified through the wife and the wife through the husband, it is my duty to live my faith honestly, in everything I am and all that I do, For Him, not for him. And hopefully as I make my way, only with the grace of God, I will accomplish that, I will help my husband turn his Heart to Christ.

We are married, regardless of the dissatisfaction, the heartache, the tumultuous and unhealthy demands we have been putting upon each other, we have a purpose. We are here for a reason, as a couple we are in each others lives for a reason. We must fulfill our obligations to our children and to God.

I don’t think God cares how much I screw up, how many times I stumble, how wearied I become, how much I despair, how incoherent my thought can be, how I ask for things that aren’t good for me or those I love, He knows my future, He knows my past, He knows my ever fleeting thought, my every whim and desire, my plan, my destiny. He loves me, no matter what. I am His daughter, and He is my beloved Father.

Maybe that is the whole point, we are human, we are weak, that is the way God made us. We have a desire for love, because that is the way he made us. No matter what happens or how hard things get, He is always about Good. There is always a plan that perhaps we will never understand, in our weak human brains. But the assurance that we must know, even I know it from down here, in my black hole, God is LOVE. He is always about love. His plan is never to harm or teach us by shame or cruelty, He teaches by love. Always..

It’s time. I too must take up my cross.

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