..please, No..

Please, No. Not again.

I have heard them, the persistent echos in the back of my mind. Festering there, speaking softly, little whispers into my brain. I have put on a brave face, I have been ignoring them, pretending not to hear them at all. Yesterday, during a moment I’d feel it, the day before that too. I’ve been unusually stressed out lately. Is that the door that I have opened? Did I take on too much? It’s been over a month about 6 or 7 weeks since the last time I was opposed upon in this way.

All the signs are here, I feel like I can’t breath, I am not tired, yet I am exhausted. I am thinking a little too much, my thoughts are loud in my mind, I am overwhelmed and despair is right at the door. I am on the edge once again of the great abyss that is my demon.

Please, No. I am too tired to fight.

I am irritable and unhappy. I just really wanted to talk to Dh today, I almost tried during lunch. But whats the point? He never understands. He doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t care and it will only make things worse. Things are so off course, Like Lysander says to Hermia, “the course of true love never did run smooth” I can sort of identify with that play these days, everything in my life is so screwed up at the moment, it seems nothing is as I thought it should be. I don’t know what to do or how to fix anything.

I am so very nervous about going back to school. I am completely scared to try. I am not afraid of the work load, I am afraid of leaving my routine and my children. I as afraid the adjustment will be too much, I am terrified mostly because I will miss some stuff. I like being there,  I like that they all rely on me. What if they realize they can all manage with out my gentle micromanaging, what if they all realize they don’t need me after all?

I am also afraid to have my BIL and SIL here. I don’t want MIL trying to come over more. That last time she came was a nightmare. I don’t want to see her again for a while. I am nervous that I’ll feel resentful over little irritating things while they are here.  I want to help, but I think Dh is going to be different in front of them, that would be hard for me.

I am going to do it anyway despite my fears, It’s for the greater good.

I took something to help me sleep, I just wish I could shut down my brain sometimes.

I’ll finish the post in the morning.

I think I can sleep now.

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