Look at some of the messages I “received” today.. You know what I mean. I didn’t receive them directly but I sort of felt directed.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart.
He is One and there is no other than he. And to love him with all your heart,
with all your understanding with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself
is worth more than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.
Be brave, my daughter. May the Lord grant you joy in place of your grief. Courage, my daughter.
Jesus wants all of us to take up this calm and steady approach to our days. Ideally, nothing should be able to shake us from our position of faith in him. We are living in very challenging times. But while the challenges are strong and the difficulties deep, the spiritual opportunities are many and varied as well.
Jesus, let my faith in you keep me calm in the midst of any storms that come my way.
Tobiah arose from bed and said to his wife: ‘My love, get up. Let us pray
Blessed are you, O God of our fathers, praised be your name forever and ever.
Let the heavens and all your creation praise you forever.
You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve to be his help and support;
and from these two the human race descended. You said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone;
let us make him a partner like himself.
’Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine
not because of lust, but for a noble purpose.
Call down your mercy on me and on her, and allow us to live together to a happy old age.
Now what do you make of all that. I am not very good at interpretations but this is what I gathered…
No mater what God comes first. The most important thing we can do in our lives is to love God as much as we can, regardless of our human weaknesses. In fact God know our hearts and mind, He knows our weeknesses so when we reach out crippled with sin, that doesn’t matter. Just that we love Him and want to love Him.
I have been thinking about this so much lately. Dh and I are so different. It’s really hard putting aside everything else that’s hard in our lives but the fact that our faith doesn’t corospond to one another bothers me so much. I want a husband that will pray with me, that loves God more than himself or anything else in this world. That’s the biggest thing.
The next one is obvious. I am His daughter, he will be my comforter.
The next one too, God knows me. He knows my irrationalities and my struggles. He comforts me with encouraging scripture. Be calm, be steady.
Turn to Jesus first, always.
Then the story of Tobiah. Over the last few days it has all been about the trials of that family. But even a woman whom has killed 7 husbands can find a devoted husband. That truly trusts in the LORD. He wants to be with her not based on LUST but for a noble purpose. That seemed like an answer, because I have been struggling over what I should do, what is the right thing to do. It is good to be married, it’s meant to be even, but with out God in our marriage it will never work.
Okay that was kind of deep. After mass I needed some guidance. The homily was sort of about that, about being directed in faith. I can not talk to Fr. A. Not the way I can to Fr. M. I also can’t talk to anyone else about this stuff with out fearing judgment. I have to keep it in. I spent some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I just needed to think. Don’t forget that not only was all of this going on at the same time I was supposed to be preparing mentally to talk with my BIL and SIL. I had to open my heart, and allow the Holy Spirit to direct me.
Rather than giving details to Fr. A. I asked him for something to meditate on to help myself through something tough. He told me you can not ‘get though’ tough issues, I need something to help me face the suffering head on. Like Jesus on the cross, faced the tremendous hardship of giving his life for us. He didn’t simply get through it, he faced it. He endured it for a greater purpose. Fr. A told me to meditate upon the Memorare. He said you will receive necessary grace to help in times of trial. I should pray for that grace in those moments. So I have been. I am reciting it so I can commit it to memory. Such a beautiful prayer.
Well, it’s almost the end of my day sort of. It’s almost time to pick up the kids. My MIL will probably be leaving tomorrow, I can’t deal well with her today. She is acting like such a not very nice person. It’s so negative. She is directing her passive aggressive attack though on my SIL. Not on me. Not good either way though. Not much has changed so it seems…
Good thing I am a survivor..
I’ve had lots of time to think today, too much even. Now as I am sitting here in relative silence, i hear the wind in the leaves, the twinkling of my chimes, some kids off in the distance.. I can fully appreciate my day, and what is to come.
It is as always, sometimes your head and heart just don’t match up.
The simplicity of it is astonishing. The putting into practice is something wholly else.
A little while ago I was fully prepared to write a big long whiny post about the things that I am unhappy about. I was starting to feel oppressed again. I could not breath. That scares me, I really don’t like that feeling. I did my best I held it in, then I went and prayed. Alone in the church, silently speaking to Jesus.
Dh is shut down for heat, so he will be home for a bit. Okay we know right there, with that statement life will be a little more challenging for me. I am preparing myself mentally to embrace the challenge. He has gone out with some friends. They started drinking this afternoon, so who knows what tonight will be like.
Saving Grace or headcase?? You tell me, My MIL is on her way. So either she will save me from destruction or make it worse. I am leaning to saving grace because, we will have two others with her my BIL and new SIL. I think she will be acting all nice, nice since they are here. I hope he doesn’t let the alcohol give him an excuse to start something.
I have done a number of things to prepare for my walking option. So don’t worry about me, we will be fine.
Anyway, I probably won’t have the freedom to write as much as I wish for the next few days, I’ll try but I don’t know for sure. I am going to keep focused on the road ahead and try my best not to let the side attractions distract me. I will try to keep up the running, since we will have company I might try going early. After prayers maybe around 6 am. It supposed to be hot for another week. I like how I feel after I run, much better at facing other things. There is daily mass the rest of the week, and I have my key for any other time I need it. I have lots of numbers on my phone which never leaves my pocket and I think that will be helpful.
If the heat continues, Dh will be going back to camp. We shall see…
I did it, I am done. No questions and no witnesses. Strange reaction though, my heart feels sorrowful. It had to be. I know this, for the greater good. I am glad to be absolved, things can be put right again. Still, I feel an emptiness now that wasn’t there before. The truth of it maybe, guilt possibly.. I don’t know? Moving forward, begging for guidance. That’s all I can do at this point.
I love the Beatles. I’d say about 90% of their music is great, you can always find a song to fit your mood.. it’s “something”. LOL
Currently I am back and forth between ‘All you need is love’ and ‘You can get by with a little help from your friends’..
Kind of practical.. don’t you think? Hands down my three favorite Beatles songs are; Hey Jude, Blackbird, and Across the Universe. This is useless trivia, but alas I am awake way to early and am not really in a deep thinking mode.
Did you know John Lennon’s sons, name was Julian. This song was actually written about and for him and not a woman. Very sweet.
I can’t find an acceptable version of Black Bird at the moment… But trust me, it’s good.
I know most people hate this version, but I think it’s beautiful.
My window is open of course because it’s been so hot, there must be a billion birds out there.
Dd and I are going to Parksville today. She has to see the Dr. at 11:40am. We didn’t have to wait to long to see him which is good. I wonder what he’ll say. I hope he doesn’t suggest the permanent tubes.
So yesterday was a bust I didn’t run, I didn’t really do any kind of exercise. It was too hot out. 34 here in PA, my back yard thermometer read 44, can you even believe it. I must have done 5 loads of laundry, they dried in about 15 minutes each on the line. You know it’s hot when the clothes you have hung out, remain soft and warm, rather than stiff and cold from the clothes line, when I was folding everything off the line It felt as though I had just taken them out of the dryer.
Dh is on early shift so he arrived home around 1:45. We talked abit yesterday and figured out some compromises. It’s better for the moment to be a little bit distant. Polite conversations are the focus at the time being.
Last night while Ds was at football, I was chatting with Deb H. She and I planned the year end Alter Servers wind up. It will be nice for the kids. We changed the plan a little, but we are still planning to go to Parksville after Mass but rather than the mini golf, there is this great park with a beach attached and we are going to plan a picnic. We will take care of everything, it will be good fun.
She and I just had a good visit, she is definitely in my listener category too. I am happy to say I am really forming a nice little group of friends. Her, Teresa, Julie.. Nice ladies. She is in the same line of work that I am going to school for in the fall. She told me some more about it, I had some good questions which she was able to answer. She told me of the course load comparatively between the 10 month or to year program. It’s a bit scary, lots of homework. I know I can do it but yikes, it will be challenging for sure.
I think I am finally going to accept their (Deb, Teresa, and Fr.A)offer to go running, the first time will be Thursday evening. I hope I can keep up. It will be good to run with others becasue I would like to find out how my endurance is, how my pace is and honestly I just want to find a partner to go with. They go twice a week, right now, and I usually go 3 times. I don’t know. Either way, I have warned all three of them collectively and separately that I am NOT a professional. LOL. They all seem to be under the delusion that since I am the youngest that I should be in the best shape.. I think they will be mistaken.. oh well, I’ll try my best.
You know I have really found running to be quite beneficial to my level of stress. Sometimes when I run I pray the rosary or the office hours. That’s a good combination- physical activity and mental prayer. It’s amazing actually. Sometimes I listen to music and other times I just listen to the steady drum of my heart echoing the sound of my shoes beating against the pavement keeping time with my breathing. I see what people mean when they love it.
It’s June 3, 22 days remaining.. Well since it’s only 5:14 am I think I might close my eyes for a few more minutes..
Hope today brings you peace and comfort.