..help..

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided.

Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

maryht

Remember, when in need of help, Ask.

After last night, I needed help. I was quite a mess this morning. Let’s just say last night was awful. I am debating on even writing about it. I was being tested and I failed, reacted extremely predictably, and was so completely disappointed in Dh I felt ill.

I am trying to be charitable, he stumbled. We all do it, what right do I have to judge him? None. However I can’t help but feel so disappointed. I am so alone right now. Nothing is changing. Okay that’s dramatic, I am not feeling down or anything. I’m just very disappointed. Last night included, a lot of alcohol, some cocaine, some intoxicated driving, and no phone calls.

Talk about a through back. 5 years ago all over again. I was so mad/worried/frustrated/disgusted last night. I could not help myself, I absolutely knew he was doing something very bad. I felt it. His mother was here, which did not help my exasperated mood, and I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about all the horrid stuff that my brain had already witnessed in the past.

So this morning I got up at about 5:45. I got dressed and abandoned my self to Jesus. I knew there was NO way I would get through this any other way. I went for a run. I prayed while I ran. I used my Divine Office podcast this morning, it’s not quite the same but at that time of the morning there weren’t many people around and the air was fresh so I could really put myself into it with out distraction. I got back to the house around 7 am. I got the kids ready for school, and my self ready for the day.

I felt totally defeated.

Just as I was about to head out the door, Dh started on me. He was mad at me for not trusting him… Okay?? he said if last night I was really thinking those things about him I should leave.. I started to apologize, but then stopped. Oh no this was not going to be turned around on me!!!! I told him if that’s what he wants he can leave. I’m not going anywhere!  You know, it’s his fault. If her was really being honest and truly cared for my feelings, why would he put himself in that situation where I would even consider it a possibility. That doesn’t seem very caring to me. We went back and forth for a couple of minutes but then I had to go. I had to bring the kids to school, but more I had to get out of there.

I dropped the kids off at school and went to HM.

After mass I still felt like I needed some guidance. The homily was sort of about that, about being directed in faith. I can not talk to Fr. A. Not the way I can to Fr. M. I also can’t talk to anyone else about this stuff with out being judged. For now I have to keep it in. I spent some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I just needed to think. Don’t forget that not only was all of this going on at the same time I was supposed to be preparing mentally to talk with my BIL and  SIL. I had to open my heart, and allow the Holy Spirit to direct me.

Rather than giving details to Fr. A. I asked him for something to meditate on to help myself through something tough. He told me you can not ‘get though’ tough issues, I need something to help me face the suffering head on. Like Jesus on the cross, faced the tremendous hardship of giving his life for us. He didn’t simply get through it, he faced it. He endured it for a greater purpose. Fr. A told me to meditate upon the Memorare. He said you will receive necessary grace to help in times of trial. I should pray for that grace in those moments. So I have been. I am reciting it so I can commit it to memory. Such a beautiful prayer.

Well, it’s almost the end of my day sort of. It’s almost time to pick up the kids. My MIL will probably be leaving tomorrow, I can’t deal well with her today. She is acting like such a not very nice person. It’s so negative. She is directing her passive aggressive attack though on my SIL. Not on me. Not good either way though.  Not much has changed so it seems…

Good thing I am a survivor..

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