Today is Monday, it around 2 56pm, I writing out the time because it seems like when I post It doesn’t tell what time it is, and I don’t know why but I like to know what time my posts are at when I re read them.
I started out today in the usual fashion, it’s a holiday so my children are home. I got up prayed, drank my coffee, and read for a little while. I am still reading my book, one chapter a day, today’s chapter was all about how God tests us, over and over again, in so many different ways.
Not only does God test us he pays attention to our reactions in the smallest of situations… That’s an interesting concept because how often do you act one way when no one is watching but then act less than an ideal because you are tired or [insert excuse here] when you think no one is watching.. I’ll admit I do that…
That’s not what has me needing to write. In fact that theory has helped me to act a little kinder and from my heart in all the things big and small today. I am a house wife, some of my tasks are so simple but that certainly doesn’t mean they are any less important.
I am a little bit frustrated because my house is out of routine. Today I got up with renewed hope. I can help, I can change things around here, I can do it.. but I need to trust in God, offer up my worries and go forward with a gentle spirit. I had to be incredibly firm with my children today. I have been in constant dialogue with Mary all day. I could not do it with out her love. I have been consistent and firm. It’s certainly way tougher, but it has to be this way.
Last week, Dh left for camp. That always throws off our routine a little bit. But it’s so much more than that, in the last few months everyone has suffered including me. It’s been an emotional roller coaster in my home. I am sorry for that. It was necessary, but that doesn’t make it alright. I am in a truly new place, its good and hard at the same time. I am now though in a place that I think I can start remolding some of the damaged areas in my life.
At the beginning of the weekend I shut down the Internet for my children. While we were away it was easier, this morning I had a small battle over it, I didn’t rise thought I stayed firm and gentle. I explained simply my very clear expectations, for behaviours and responsibilities around our home and likewise away from home, I reset the rules regarding our daily routines and asked for input from them both to solve a problem- both had been suffering with. I didn’t raise my voice and I didn’t negotiate. Over all it went well. Of course they were not initially happy, but reason seeped in and sometimes kindness spons kindness. I kept them on task, and they responded fairly well.
I don’t know for sure but I think this way of thinking is slightly better for all of us. The uncertainty of last week was playing havoc in our daily lives. It was an unproductive family week, and that makes me sad.
I have been wrestling with some really large issues in the last few months, going back and forth regarding what I want, what is good for me, me, me, me, me.. I sort of wrapped my self into a selfish web. The more I twisted and turned the tighter I became entangled. I have written about this before and I am not regretting the means to being here. I am just acknowledging that it happened and it isn’t the end of my journey yet. I think God has me on a path, I commend my self totally into his hands. I think that is the key, the missing element, the ingredient that was holding me back in my tangled up way..
Simplicity; is a straighter narrower path for me. I don’t have to do everything, or be everywhere, I don’t have to have everything, or know everything.. I am who I am for a reason. The most important things in my life are my Faith, my family and my health. If I can manage that, I will be content. I know that only with God – even can I manage that. If it is not God’s plan that I find peace yet, than I’ll accept that too. I am here in this body, living this life, for His purpose. I am on this path, living with these impairments for a purpose. I will try my best, over and over. God knows my heart, every cell of my being, my hopes, fears, dreams, longings, desires, sadness’s, regrets, joys.. I do not need to hide who I am. I am who I am for a reason..
Now that I have come to terms with this, I can move forward again.
I still don’t know whats in store for me, but I have some plans, some goals to work towards. I will continue to pray and give thanks, to be kind and gentle, to try to be the best version of myself. For today that means, doing my housework, being a caring mother, and being diligent in my tasks, even when frustrations arise and I am tired. For I’m human.
Time to get back to work. I didn’t mow the lawn today I might have to wait until later in the week, its getting dark. I think a storm is coming. It’s windy and cool. For dinner I am making homemade soup with fresh bread. The perfect meal on such a blustery day..