Like the song says.. Love hurts.
“Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Any heart, not tough,
Or strong, enough.” ~ Nazareth
Oh my gosh, I sort of feel like my heart is broken. I just went back in time or looked in a mirror. Either way it was me, I saw in her. She is my love and my life. This is the very first time…
I have been listening to my Dd cry for about 45 minutes. She was initially mad/upset over a bed time issue. Well emotions ran high and the very long day caught up to her. I am doing all that I am for a purpose, I only want her to try a little harder, to care, to make an effort. I have specific rules just for her. Which I have no idea if that’s the right thing to do, all I know is completely babying her isn’t helping either. She is the most stubborn individual I have ever known, and she is nine!! So she has been crying I went in there to try and quiet her down, and she says leave me alone, please just leave me alone. While sobbing, then she says I just want you to leave me, I want you to hug me but you have hurt me too much.. She is still sobbing. Oh that was like a knife in the chest. I feel awful and I didn’t even do anything wrong. I am really not ready for this. If it’s not Ds hating me for ruining his eleven year old life, not allowing him to have a girls friend, not allowing him to hang out unsupervised with his peers that I don’t know, not letting him go on MSN and Face book when he pleases, not letting him stay up until he wants to go to bed… It’s her, with her very personalized feelings of betrayal.. How do people handle all of this. Is this normal behavior..?
You know my tendency is to take all of it upon myself, this situation is right up there. I think the last 6 months have been a nightmare for them. I have been a disaster of a mother, so focused on myself that I barely noticed what was going on with them. How could so much change in 6 short months? No matter what, in the past I have always put my children first. I survived affairs and emotional abuse, depression and a life of constant guilt yet no matter what I put my two babies first. I really screwed up this time. I know this is going to be hard, but I need to put some level of consistency and normalcy back into there lives. I am a survivor. I will do it. No matter what, the most important thing is to cradle their well being in my protective arms. That absolutely does not mean, I am going to allow them to do as they wish. It just means I will make sure they are safe, consistent, and loved at all times. I will enforce my rules, set my boundaries, remain gentle and focused and be the best Mom I can be.
Me and Dh are still struggling, he is still being very kind. He is being respectful and helpful. I hope that at least we can salvage a friendship. No I shouldn’t say salvage, I mean I honestly hope we can build a friendship. Something based on mutual respect and kindness. Something based on open ness and communication. For the good of our children.
You never know when you will be called to Heaven. I do not want to live even another day like I have time to spare. Later is not a word I am comfortable using anymore. Now is the more important place to be. I will try my very best to let go of the hurts in the past, the pain and despair. I will try my best to stop worrying about tomorrow, or about a future that doesn’t even exist yet. I am not divine I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, all I can do is live for today. I can make the most of my time here right now, and thank God that I am here right now.
When I went in to see Dd and she was sobbing, it was as if I was looking at myself. I have been there, I know only too severely how her pain feels. That’s too much for a little one. It’s unnecessary. She spoke the exact words that I too have cried out. I can’t bare it. It hurts to love someone this much. She is my life; they both are.
I am going to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is Tuesday. I expect it will be hard. Tuesdays are my least favorite day of the week. God give me strength. I know we are never given more than we can bare, God knows precisely how much we are capable of. That’s a comforting thought to me. maybe that’s were my strengths come from. I know God loves me and I know he will never give me more than I can handle. So what ever I am suffering thought, I know that He knows I can do it and it’s for a purpose, his purpose for me is always something good. No mater how it feels to me.
Jesus I trust in you.