Last night I went to sleep a little bit late, I wrote for a while then lost my post.. I looked at the job listings for PA, checked my email replied to some friends.. After prayers it must have been around 11 30pm when I finally closed my eyes.
It’s not that I wasn’t relaxed either; I had a fairly nice evening. I ended up walking while ds was practicing, I went with two of my friends. Deb the RCMP’s wife and Deb H my alter serving parent helping partner.. lol that’s a mouth full. I enjoyed their company because you know what they are both Listeners. I really didn’t have to do much talking at all. Even at some points we all just walked in silence. It was both motivating and comforting.
So it’s Friday already, this week really slipped by. I think it was okay for me.. Pretty good even, well good if we ignore Tuesday.. but the rest was alright. Even though I was busy, I missed my friendly conversation yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, I had more than enough as far as conversations go, but it wasn’t the conversation I wished to be having. I had some ideas I wanted to share. Ones that I couldn’t share with any random person. I think I will ask for Mary’s guidance instead and try and listen for an answer.
Another thing I was thinking about was Joe. He seemed a lot worse yesterday, I was and am worrying about them both but he really seemed to be struggling yesterday. It worries me because he seems to be deteriorating. I can see it’s such a struggle for him to be so reliant on an other person, and I can see that he is frustrated that his body is not doing what he expects of it. He’s a trooper and has taken care of things on his own for nearly a century. That’s a very long time, to be one way and this is undoubtedly hard for him. On top of his physical pain, they were both experiencing emotional pain too. When I arrived yesterday they informed me that a close relative had just passed. It was so very sad. I could see the pain in both their eyes; I think the defeated atmosphere may have resonated from that bit of hardship.
Yesterday while we were running errands, I was sitting in the hospital waiting. I had just finished a very pleasant conversation with an elderly gentleman sitting next to me. I was in a waiting room while Joe was getting a test done.. as I was sitting there I was really thinking about my life.. Do you know that before, even very recently I was under the impression that my future was lost if I left my husband. That for some reason I thought I wouldn’t have the ability to secure a positive future without his help.
So as I sat, I thought, and I decided since I am doing such an incredible upheaval of change in my life, now would be the perfect time to truly think about what would and will make me happy in this life. How could I live my life in a positive way and make a even minuscule difference. I want to be a strong leader for my children. So I decided to re look at going to school. Really, why not? If I am going to make all these changes, why think small. I can at least seriously find out, about tuition, funding, student loans, course lengths. I could at least find out my options. I don’t necessarily have to close that door before I really give it some thought.
So I was sitting there, thinking about myself. Not in a self centered way but in a realistic way.
You know, I know the Walcers are truly thank full I come to them each day, but you know what else it feels like I should be the thankful one. I am thankful to know them, and I truly enjoy coming to see them. It so strange but I absolutely value there light, and that’s odd considering that we have all only very recently met. I tell you though I feel as though I have known them my whole life.
I was considering Nursing, either a care aid or a home care nurse. I think i have many qualities that would be an asset to any type of nursing job. I love what I am doing with the Walcers so why couldn’t I open the possibility to do this for a living? Do you know something else, I have never set goals for my self. Isn’t that absurd? I just never did. I followed someone else’s goals always. I think it’s about time to do so. What ever job I end up getting, does not have to be permanent, I can keep striving for my goal and the life I want. It’s all up to me.
I am going to be really and truly okay. I’ve got some great friends, people I am absolutely sure I can count on. I have focus; I am going to keep working on finding a job. I am going to be very choosy as to which invitations I accept, keeping in mind that some people are better for me than others. I have the ability to walk away if needed, I can come to the church any time I want, I plan to spent time reflecting and praying, and putting my life into order simply and with care.
I better get to work. I have a little bit of work to do before I leave the house this morning…
Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need. ~Voltaire <— I try and keep that in mind 😉
Have a wonderful day..