..trooper..

Why do people tell me, you are soo strong?? Oh wow, I would never have been able to get through that, I’d have left, I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day in your shoes, You can handle anything.. You’re so strong..

What is wrong with you people… Can you see me??? I am not strong. I am a soldier, surviving. I do it, because what other option do I have? Lay down and die? I think NOT! I trudge though, I put on a brave face, I hope to God someday it will get easier… I’m not strong, I am the most screwed up person I know. BUT the key is I am a survivor.

I have tools. I will from this point try to avoid things that are going to cause me further harm, because in all honesty.. I just don’t know how much more I can handle? It feel like it has been months of constant turmoil at home.  I just have to manage on my own.. somehow. I haven’t really figured out what to do it yet.

I’ve talked, I’ve waded through the murky waters of a long ago past, through long ago hurts, through long ago mind patterns.. It’s done. I feel done. I have to be done. I think I honestly disclosed as much as I could remember. I feel some peace in that area, at least in the area of my hurts. My choices.. I think until the day I die I’ll hear and feel echos of some of those choices. I imagine that’s life. I am human and I have a conscience.

For the most part though, I have a much healthier perspective now than I did even 6 months ago. I can look back and look but not feel. I think I can finally close the door.

It’s the now stuff that has me worried. I have such a struggle to deal with my ever changing moods. I can’t seem to escape this crisis thinking mode. I am not great at handling stress. I need to talk to someone, but it seems maybe that is not really what I do need. I’ve talked to 3 different therapists at 3 different times in my life. A psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a priest. I’ve done therapy three different times, I think each had different out comes, lastly, the priest I think was the most helpful. Maybe because I am further along in my life and was more ready for change. Maybe because being that he is not a Dr. didn’t prescribe medications as a mask.

Unfortunately I think I would do well with one more session. The present stuff. I’m going to look into it, to see if there is someone else I can talk to. Maybe I don’t have to bring the entire past up again, I can just talk about the present. I liked receiving spiritual counselling, even though I’ll admit, I didn’t get much. I think that’s the most help full tool for me. More prayer.

I liked going though RCIA. Learning about faith, the consistent reminder that there is something much more out there, than me. There are more important issues out there than just mine, that I am never alone spiritually, that 1000’s and 1000’s of years have gone by with one truth. People died for it, over and over.

In the last few months, I have turned into to the most selfish person I have ever seen. It was a terrible use of time. We are not here to serve our selves. I think that’s the important issue I had swept under the rug, so to speak.I don’t have all the answers.. but I think the key is I was putting my trust in the wrong things. It would be fine if I put my trust in a human thing as an extension of something divine, but in a human with my back turned to God will never work. It’s ludicrous to have even thought it would. Selfish desire.. It’s amazing how your eyes will see what you want, with blinders on, if you want it…

I want to be kind. I want o be helpful and caring. I want to be a good example of faith to my family. I want to be trustworthy. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to be faithful to God.

 

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