Before I crawl into bed, I wanted to make a couple of notes..
Something else I want to work more specifically on is the aspect of self fulfillment. Inner contentment. I am realizing how much I do and have always relied on others for my fulfillment. To fulfill my needs, emotional and physical. I am really noticing especially in light of the last few days emotional state that I am unable at this time to help myself feel comforted.
It’s a simple action, hugging, embracing, yet it’s consoling in a way I have yet to match. It’s like an unspoken testimony, I’m here, it’s alright.. simple. That thing I think I need so much is as rare to me as an unattainable gem or an archeologist’s life’s search to that one collectible artifact.. It’s just not destined for me..
I need to work on being alone. I don’t want to need some human person to give me strength or comfort. I want to be happy for myself. Just typing that out freaks me out. How is it done? It most definitely is done. How about all the single people is this world? How about all the religious that choose to live chaste lives? How about all the regular people that decide, to never marry, to never depend on another, to be perfectly content alone?
That has never even been an option for me. I never wanted that, I always wanted to be happily in love, a devoted wife, I have always desired to be truly loved, eternally, unconditionally. I have gladly, been honoured even, to love that much in return. I wanted a husband that I liked as much as I loved, that I trusted absolutely, that I could confide in and especially be myself with.. What happened to all of that?
How am I here? How did I get so off course? Isn’t it strange that I, a person that is so full of love, could be married to someone that is so unaffectionate. I, someone that is so happy to please, is married to someone that is unpleasable? This I’ll admit is a new one, this is not certainly something I dreamed of as a child as a prerequisite, but never the less has rose on my list as such an important quality.. So how is it that I, a woman that has come to know her faith and is one hundred percent in love with God, how is it that I could be married to a man that doesn’t know Him at all?
Sometimes I think that is the key. I wonder if our marital problems would be solved if he had an extreme conversation. I would love to pray together before bed, to attend mass together, to sit quietly in front of the tabernacle.. together, I wish I could trust that with out a doubt our values and morals were exactly the same.. God is first.
It’s so disordered.
It’s for what ever reason not meant for me. Maybe this life is my purgatory, this angst is my punishment for my past, this trial of emotion is meant to cleanse? For what though?
Why do I love so deeply? Is it just my disordered needs, overriding my sensible brain? I used to believe that every person on this planet has one perfect person for them. Their soul mate if you will. I believe that not many people find those exact matches. I think even fewer are blessed enough to marry that *right* person. I think, some find them out side of marriage, their best friend, the one person on the plant that knows you inside and out, that loves you through and through, that will be there until the end.. I think you must always be open to the possibility, to the idea.. Maybe the point is I am a dreamer.. I am not yet so cynical that I see everything in shades of only grey..
I am sure, I am not married to my soul-mate. I didn’t expect to have every single thing in common, really what fun would that be? But wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate our differences rather than ridicule and chastise, to be open to different ideas. To try to see things through the others eyes??
I want someone to love that I am a dreamer, that I have crazy ideas, that laughs with me, not at me, that wants to give me a hug for no good reason, just because I ask, or even better that offers, without being asked, I want someone that actually smiles when they see me, and is glad to hear my voice… Am I so far off? Are these things no longer relevant to the concept of marriage? Are they no longer possible? OR the more likely scenario, they just are not meant for me?
So maybe rather than dwelling on what I do not have I should look to plan B. See life for what it is, exactly as it is. Learn to live happily with what I do have. Find away to be content with myself. Be thankful I have my health, two beautiful, entertaining, equally healthy children, a comfortable home, the freedom to enjoy my days.. really there are a lot of people that don’t have any of that.
Pray more. Is that the next avenue we can explore? The next road to travel in my personal growth… We’ll see.
For now, I think I am finally ready to go to bed. I feel peaceful finally. ~Goodnight..