So I guess because I can identify with what is going on, it should some how make it better? It means nothing. I feel everything.
I should be sleeping too. I should be happy? Maybe it’s just not for me. Happiness I mean. Could I just be a lost cause? Will I never be better? I wrote months ago about a mask of sorts, I wear it well. I used to wear it well, I can barely wear it anymore, it hardly fits now.. I was starting to feel like I didn’t even need it anymore.. but then this happens. My slip into the abyss…
I don’t know why? I can’t fight anymore. I have an internal battle going on, I am struggling to stay on my path.. the temptations are so strong. I keep thinking, it’s bad already, whats one more thing? I am so weak.
This is pathetic really, to be this distraught. Everyone is asleep, I am completely alone. Panic. Fear. Sadness so deep it echoes in the hollows of my heart..
Why can I not control any of this? Why are my feelings so strong? Why can I not sleep? Last night I woke many times, I dreamed vividly, I was out of step from the very beginning today.
These are the days when every awful thought filters through me, reminding me, punishing me, torturing me, killing me slowly, painfully, irrevocably…
I just want to be free.
More tears, fresh and hot.. I am sorry.
Dear God, know my heart, know my weakest moments, know my desperation. I am a tiny speck, I hold but a sliver in your cross, please Lord, You are my everything. Help me bare mine, I am afraid Lord. You alone know of what I am capable, and it is only in You that I trust. I am so sorry for my selfish desires, I am so sorry for my human weakness and my childish needs. I am sorry I turned away from you, again and again though my hedonistic acts against you Lord, against myself, against those I hold dear, against those I led to you, and those whom I have led away from you.. Especially for those.. I ache with sorrow.. I don’t know anything of this world, you know my everything. Please forgive me… Please Lord have mercy upon me. It is only your will, not mine. Though I am nothing, to you I am everything. Thank you.
I am going to lay in my bed. In my room, with my thoughts. Maybe Mary can help me?