..torn..

Okay now I feel a little guilty. Over several things. I’m so sorry, I know what you might think, not my fault.. I remembered about tomorrow… Sometimes I really think I am seriously not worth all this trouble/effort. I am creating upheaval, chaos, distress. I am feeling very conscience stricken. This post had the potential to be incredibly profound, but it’s really not secure enough to be a safe place to share what’s really on my mind.

Anonymous or not, I think this conversation isn’t meant for cyberspace.

My mind is so peculiar, the things I worry about are so far from the things I “should” be worrying about. At least for right now that I had remembered about tomorrow.

I shouldn’t really say I am torn, it’s just I guess I feel bad or self-condemnatory, so easily. I am sometimes too empathetic, and too naive, and too obliging. I like to help. I like to make things smooth, I don’t like watching people crumble..obviously. So I am easily swayed, to feel guilty. I am seeing this behaviour pattern unfold, almost as if I was watching it from outside my own body. My lack of emotion is unnerving.. Or is it the ultimate gift? My lack of emotion is allowing me the freedom of choice, the necessary space to work out what I really want and need. I guess this is why I feel torn, because one second after I feel the empathy, it’s gone. My rational side is protecting me, don’t do it, stay back, keep a safe distance, self preservation, first.

Okay enough on that, my day was a pretty good today. It’s my favorite day that’s always a good thing, there was a special hour of adoration, which was incredibly fulfilling for me, I spent the dinner hour calmly, I finished two large tasks that were hanging over me, (Paying Bills & Hot lunch prep; both require alot of brain power, so I am glad to be finished) and now I am here.. All alone, typing out my final thoughts before I go to my OWN room (Yes I just capped that but I am still excited to have that freedom) and I am in the middle of a very good book.. so I can read for awhile before bed.

I heard some news this evening, Dh may be going back into camp. He is planning to stick around here at least for awhile, but if the work isn’t steady he has a different job waiting in camp. I know it’s hard on the kids when he is away but part of me thinks it would be to our benefit to spend some time apart. It certainly would be less difficult.  I don’t know, all I know is I have opened the door to light and truth, and no longer can I live the lie. Hard choices lay ahead. Like Dh says, they are going to be my choices, maybe that’s not fair but who ever said life was fair? Awe, anyways only 50 or 60 more years and I’ll be living eternal bliss… LOL

Tomorrow, I have a lot to do so that should keep my mind occupied, usual morning for Monday, then quite a lot of my own housework, that should take most of my day and tomorrow evening Dd has Karate.

~Goodnight

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