So today was very long, but not horrible. I really feel good about the general flow of the day. I do not feel guilty, I feel in control instead of controlled, I am facing forward with my eyes open and even though I have NO idea what lies ahead, I do know that I am going to be okay.
So after my little talk this morning I came home and was immediately thrust into a “conversation”. Fine I guess, might as well deal with everything as it comes. I stayed very strong, I listened, I talked, I felt heard, I actually felt compassion, and out of that compassion I was given and even bigger glimpse of the bigger picture.
Our situation is screwed up on so many levels, it goes back so incredibly far. I have decided to “see what happens” no decisions have been made but I am going to be open to the impossible.
Today was alright, I ended up going to Nanaimo with everyone else. It was sort of a quiet reflective day. I spent a lot of time thinking and so did Dh. I don’t know specifically what he was thinking about but I know I was reflecting on positive memories. I was trying to draw them nearer to me to remember the feelings they brought about. All day certain things triggered these memories, just like how I had been thinking, not deliberately, but how old negative memories have been resurfacing lately, well with a tiny bit of effort I was able to re-look at old positive things that had passed in my life.
It’s strange how it’s all coming back to me now.
After dinner we decided to go to the movies, that was kind of the point of our trip in the first place. We were all being polite and kind, dh was sort of subdued all day, I could tell he is still quiet upset, but we were getting along just fine. Anyway the movie we watched was a kids/family sort of movie, Hannah Montana. It wasn’t particularly sad, it was really quite cute and funny but for some strange reason, I completely started to tear up, my eyes were burning fight back tears. If I had been anywhere else It would have been a relief but not there, not then.. So I controlled my self and the sensation left me. Strange though, very strange..
Everyone is upstairs sleeping, well except dh I think he might be sitting on the stairs listening to me type. I thought he was sleeping, but he just came and asked me what I was doing. I am actually kind of tired so I think I am going to go to bed. I am sleeping in the guest room, I arranged it a little bit better today so it hopefully wont feel so strange this night.
It’s a relief that tomorrow is Sunday, I am so glad to have something to look forward to .