..lonely..

It’s the end of the day and I am feeling a little bit alone. Today I had a lot of time to think. I was alone all day. It’s what I thought I wanted, it is what I want but I guess it will take a little getting used to. Ds was with a friend today and dd had a bday party to go to. I didn’t receive one phone call, all was very quiet.

Well. that was interesting timing, the second I finished typing quiet, the phone rang. Dh called, from camp. I recognized the number, it’s the same as all those years before. He wasn’t very happy on the phone, he is still upset with me apparently. Well I guess i can’t blame him, what I said was pretty harsh. He has no cell phone reception, so it’s the arrangement of one call a night to say good night to the kids. It’s often like that when he is away.

Why do I feel even worse now? I wonder sometimes, oh I guess it doesn’t matter. I don’t really feel like writing, my thoughts are all jumbled. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could be more independent, and less well what ever I am now. I am tired of feeling sad and alone.

I do know I am not actually alone, I do have some people in my life that care, I know that. Knowledge though is just not really that comforting. That’s sort of what I want now, to be comforted.

I think I might watch a movie.

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