..life..

It’s a funny thing. I think I am definitely not in control of mine, I don’t mean that in a bad or negative way, it’s just that I am throwing in the towel. I will not be the leader, I am ready to be led. My human frailties seem to get in the way of the greater truth. So like the song says.. Lead me Lord…

My day turned out to be pretty good after all. Things just sort of worked in my favor.. It was nice. The beginning was kind of harry and distressing, but then several good things happened. I saw Venus this morning.. You know I have a small interest in all things astronomy.. I know kind of geeky. But hey that’s me. It the morning star, you can really see it as the sun is about to come up. Just look towards the sunrise while the sun is still down far enough behind the mountain. Usually around 5 45- 6am It’s super brite you can’t miss it. It’s funny but its much more visible at this time of year. It has phases like out moon. Right now is a good time to look at it. It so beautiful around here in the morning.. And evening I should say.

I was just looking around as I walked tonight, we are pretty lucky to live in such beautiful landscape. I always complain about missing my ocean.. but to be this closely surrounded my such large mountains it quite spectacular as well. Well on with my good day..

I won’t write stuff that’s already known.. but today after work Dh informed me he would be going out this evening. He went for dinner with some friends.. That was unexpected. He is still gone…

When I was at the track I ran into an old friend that was watching her son do Track. (there is a track team that practices in the evening) She does foster care, and right now had a brand new BABY!!! I even got to hold her. She was so tiny and sweet. Oh my goodness she fit right into the crook of my arm. I just about melted. The sweetest little face you ever saw! That was the best thing that could have happened to me tonight, How could you not feel joyful while holding a tiny little baby?? It was wonderful.

Afterwards I went for my walk, enjoyed the breeze, the sun and the view and now I am here writing, waiting for my turn in the shower.. LOL I have two kids upstairs getting ready for bed. I feel good, I am going to get ready for bed myself, pray my psalms, and hopefully have a peaceful sleep. I am not even that worried about tomorrow, actually I am more looking forward to visiting that old couple.

I didn’t even touch on half the stuff we chatted about, they are very interesting people, so sweet, and completely in love. It’s hilarious. They way they talk to each other, it’s so obvious. There is a lot of respect there. It’s cute to witness. Their stories are great, and that is even one off my favorites list.

I love listening to other people “stories” It’s amazing to listen to a description of another time another world.. Well I hear the foot steps above me, time to be Momma. ~Good Night

..trooper..

Why do people tell me, you are soo strong?? Oh wow, I would never have been able to get through that, I’d have left, I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day in your shoes, You can handle anything.. You’re so strong..

What is wrong with you people… Can you see me??? I am not strong. I am a soldier, surviving. I do it, because what other option do I have? Lay down and die? I think NOT! I trudge though, I put on a brave face, I hope to God someday it will get easier… I’m not strong, I am the most screwed up person I know. BUT the key is I am a survivor.

I have tools. I will from this point try to avoid things that are going to cause me further harm, because in all honesty.. I just don’t know how much more I can handle? It feel like it has been months of constant turmoil at home.  I just have to manage on my own.. somehow. I haven’t really figured out what to do it yet.

I’ve talked, I’ve waded through the murky waters of a long ago past, through long ago hurts, through long ago mind patterns.. It’s done. I feel done. I have to be done. I think I honestly disclosed as much as I could remember. I feel some peace in that area, at least in the area of my hurts. My choices.. I think until the day I die I’ll hear and feel echos of some of those choices. I imagine that’s life. I am human and I have a conscience.

For the most part though, I have a much healthier perspective now than I did even 6 months ago. I can look back and look but not feel. I think I can finally close the door.

It’s the now stuff that has me worried. I have such a struggle to deal with my ever changing moods. I can’t seem to escape this crisis thinking mode. I am not great at handling stress. I need to talk to someone, but it seems maybe that is not really what I do need. I’ve talked to 3 different therapists at 3 different times in my life. A psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a priest. I’ve done therapy three different times, I think each had different out comes, lastly, the priest I think was the most helpful. Maybe because I am further along in my life and was more ready for change. Maybe because being that he is not a Dr. didn’t prescribe medications as a mask.

Unfortunately I think I would do well with one more session. The present stuff. I’m going to look into it, to see if there is someone else I can talk to. Maybe I don’t have to bring the entire past up again, I can just talk about the present. I liked receiving spiritual counselling, even though I’ll admit, I didn’t get much. I think that’s the most help full tool for me. More prayer.

I liked going though RCIA. Learning about faith, the consistent reminder that there is something much more out there, than me. There are more important issues out there than just mine, that I am never alone spiritually, that 1000’s and 1000’s of years have gone by with one truth. People died for it, over and over.

In the last few months, I have turned into to the most selfish person I have ever seen. It was a terrible use of time. We are not here to serve our selves. I think that’s the important issue I had swept under the rug, so to speak.I don’t have all the answers.. but I think the key is I was putting my trust in the wrong things. It would be fine if I put my trust in a human thing as an extension of something divine, but in a human with my back turned to God will never work. It’s ludicrous to have even thought it would. Selfish desire.. It’s amazing how your eyes will see what you want, with blinders on, if you want it…

I want to be kind. I want o be helpful and caring. I want to be a good example of faith to my family. I want to be trustworthy. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to be faithful to God.

 

..this sucks..

Kind of a huge turn of events. It’s for the best.

I feel sort of numb, a little sad, my stomach is all knotted up. Really though could there be any other out come? Trust is such a waste. This is exactly why I don’t like talking about my past, after something comes out. I always wish it hadn’t. I think I am kind of sad too because after all these years of keeping things locked away, I had sort of gotten used to it. Now I feel like I have to start again. No I think more or less, the reason I am sad, Is because I am not getting what I wanted, and now the rest has to go too. I’ve got good intuition. I am always so quick to trust people, yet I don’t trust myself. What is that? I am the one person I should trust. Myself. I am usually right, the signs are there, I chose not to listen, and now I will pay for it.

Anyway. I’m not going anywhere, or doing anything rash. I’m just going to go on and try my best and work on being stronger, and maybe God will help me. Maybe now I’ll be a little stronger in staying away from the vises that are often shadowing me?

I’m such a girl… broken hearted.. easy prey.. pattern repeating.. this sucks 😦

Love is an illusion.. I need to quit dwelling on it. I am alone. I need to figure out away to be okay, alone.