..refreshed..

So an unexpected free moment, Friday was a pretty fun/good day, I learned something, it was sunny out, not that I actually got to be in it, but I saw it through the window all day, I wasn’t listening to anything in particular, Thank goodness. It was just a good day for reflection. I came to the realization that I am good. I’m going to be okay, no matter what.

I had a very relaxing /rejuvenating evening, and I slept well. Friday night Dd had a sleep over, it was not the best night for me, but it’s good for her. I was physically tired that night, but I managed to stay awake long enough until I knew they were sound asleep and then – that was it, I shut my eyes and I was out. Actually I didn’t even make it to my own room, I was tucking in ds and he was talking to me, I told him I’d lay down for “just a minute” LOL I couldn’t resist, and I fell asleep.

Saturday morning the girls woke up so early, I got up, tidied up the kitchen while I was waiting for the coffee to perculate, the kitchen, it was a leftover mess from Friday night, Dh was making martinis and I went to bed before he did so I woke to a little bit of work. No matter though, I didn’t mind. It was still a little bit dark, and I decided to make the girls Pancakes for breakfast. I have a special recipe that they always love. As I was doing it thought I was sort of day dreaming, I love being outside first thing in the morning. I mean really early, I think that’s why I like camping and hiking so much. I was thinking I should go sit on my front steps to drink my coffee. I didn’t though, too many responsibilities arose. Another time.

So yesterday ended up being interesting sort of. The kids had friends over during the day that was fine; I was keeping busy, while MIL is here. I sort of tried staying out of the way a bit. Unfortunatly I let her really get to me yesterday. I was sort of in a bad mood most of the day. She makes me feel defensive and irritable.

For instance, after I got all the children fed I wanted to sit and have a cup of coffee. I think It would take maybe ten minutes, but of course the whole time I am in the kitchen she is still in bed and then when DH gets up she gets up too, so of course then I couldn’t sit down. She comes over to me and asks if she can do the laundry. That in itself is patronizing, I said no it’s okay I’ll do it. Okay first off I DO NOT like it when she does my laundry. It’s been a point of contention for years but she still continually insists to do it. There are reasons, I am not purely being stubborn, she wastes too much product, she doesn’t check for stains, and in this house checking for stains before they set in a must, she uses bleach on everything, I rarely use bleach accept on socks and towels because I don’t like bleaches harsh damaging effects.

Okay anyway, as soon as dh came down she started crying, and ignoring everyone. It took him 15 minutes of asking what’s wrong, before she came up with a story. Then they had to talk, for another hour. I feel a little bit bad for insinuating that, that was a lie, but I thought she was mad at me, about saying no to the laundry. What ever!! It’s a lot of other stuff too and maybe I am way over sensitive at this point, I don’t know. Later on in the morning I went upstairs to have a shower and get dressed, when I came down she was folding the socks, each one, she picks it up examines it with as disgusted look and makes a hissing noise under her breath. Yesterday I was out of bleach, I have two kids, one of which plays soccer each lunch hour, his socks often get quite muddy, without bleach and soaking and scrubbing it’s hard to get them white. So yesterday they were “clean” but all ds’s were quite dingy. If you have read the rest of my blog you would know that this would already bug me that they were not white, I don’t really need her sound effects.

Secondly, I am quite capable in the kitchen, everything I say, that I do , whatever iit is she is telling us, dh and I, it’s wrong, it won’t turn out, why do I do that, this way, and so on. The first night she arrived, she made more faces about my dinner than the darn kids or even dh. No wonder I wasn’t in a rush to get home, it was only because I was in such a good mood that she couldn’t touch me with her criticism, probably that day the sky could have fallen and I wouldn’t have noticed either. That was a nice distraction.

Another thing she is doing is trying to make me look bad, she says something, I tell her the answer, the correct answer and then she says to dh in Spanish of course, what I said and that I said it. Expecting to have him correct me, it’s back firing though, because if I was right in the first place what can he really say, but then he feels the need to console her and make her feel better about being wrong.

That’s another thing; last time she was here I was really rusty, I couldn’t understand anything they were talking about, but it’s good now. I don’t care what language she is speaking, I’ll answer her if she is talking about me. That irritated her I think. Tough though, you are in my house lady, I’ve always given her the proper amount of respect, but if it’s not being returned, I am going to have to try something different.

Last irrational thing, sorry I know I am totally ranting, but I don’t really like keeping all this in and it’s just better to get it all off my chest.

Last night, we were going to watch a movie, ds came down stairs after his shower, in pj’s, dd was already sleeping, he made a little joke about only wearing pj’s and nothing else. Okay this might seem inappropriate for the blog but I have to tell the story so you get the part that I find irritating. Okay no big deal; he is wearing full pj’s. I told him that he did NOT have to share that part with us, as it was personal and we just didn’t need to know. I don’t care if he only wants so wear Pjs to bed. It’s no big deal, then MIL says oh poor ds, don’t you have any clean underwear in your drawer. Are you not wearing any because nobody washed any for you……!!!!!! In front of all of us, but obviously it was directed at me. So ds turns to his grandma, and tells her OF COURSE I have some, I just don’t want to wear any to bed the elastic bugs me. HA!

So thank you Ds for making me look good but come on, enough already. She needs to cut it out. I am starting to dread, tomorrow, Being here alone with her all day. Dh is supposed to be working, I am thank full I have at least one commitment in the morning. Maybe depending on the day I’ll make sure I have something to do in the afternoon tomorrow as well.

So yesterday afternoon, we went to HM, which was quite helpful. I didn’t choose where we sat. Usually if Dh is with us we sit upstairs but I was so happy she sat us there, it’s exactly were I needed to be. I was reminded, about many things, things that are important, things that are not, things that I want, things that are good for me, things that are right, things that are pure, things that are not, things that are true… It went on and on. I felt so enriched, so filled. Fr’s homily was brilliant yesterday, it was everything I needed to hear, I think it was VERY good for dh to hear it as well. Over all it was beautiful and important, and relevant, I felt humbled listening. I also felt as I left, freed from the negativity that was living in my heart all day long. I loved the part about journeying with a friend; hope is good, how important even it is to have someone to walk with you. That struck me, immeasurably. We are so blessed to have these opportunities.

When we arrived home we all sat down to dinner and I listened to the conversation, with an open heart, an open mind, a positive attitude.. It’s rather sad though, how it is when she is here. The dynamics really change, we change, all of us. Last time she came I was layed up, that’s when I was hurt so I didn’t really pay attention, this time I am so aware of my life, it has been such a time of self evaluation. How can I not see those around me in the same light? All the layers are slowly being stripped away and underneath, it’s a stagnant, decay of bitterness and corruption.

That does sound like an awfully harsh judgment; I do not mean it that way. It’s sadder than anything else. Lost souls, superficially treading along through life, there just doesn’t seem to be light and truth and purity and goodness. I have no idea how to help; I am weak to the temptations of resentment and anger. I try to see the good, but it’s that familiar self preservation gene that is in overdrive. This environment is too much. It’s exactly opposite to good. MIL being here escalates it, the superficiality is immense.

With all of that on my mind, I decided to go for a walk after dinner. Alone. I cleaned up the kitchen, I got Dd ready for bed, and then I left. I seriously needed a breath of fresh air, as a means to effectively bring me calm. I wanted to be freed, even if but only for a short while. It was perfect. You know two months ago, I NEVER would have asked to go for a walk alone after dinner, even though I wanted to do it a million times previously. I know how I am; I know what I need, what is good for me… Afterwards, I was walking in silence, the moon was just a sliver, and the sky was steadily darkening, turning beautifully in hues of navy, indigo, and black. I watched as the starts came out one by one. The air was crisp and fresh. As I walked on and on, I allowed my mind to stretch and wonder and reflect. I was considering the specific beautiful attributes of friendship.

While walking I was transported back in time, to earlier days, to a simpler time; I was listening to the croak of a 1000 frogs in the distance. It brought such powerful emotions. All my years growing up, I lived in a very rural area, quite similar to the place I live right now. Every spring, you could absolutely count on the frogs. It was amazing hearing them again, last night. Comforting even.

I enjoyed my walk; it’s serene to walk all alone, invisibly.

Today, we are heading to Tofino, We are going to show MIL the beach. I hope it will be another opportunity for me to appreciate the beauty of our world, and not get so caught up in the darkness flowing around me.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed…Psalm 139:16

All of this is for a purpose, only He knows why.

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