Okay I am sitting here, I have lit a candle, I have on a classical Baroque radio station playing in the back ground, Dh is in the other room watching TV and both kids are long sleeping.

For nearly a week I have avoided writing for the simple sake of writing, thoughts to paper, key strokes to screen. Relaxation, I am going to relax my brain and allow myself to flow outward, allow my thoughts to be freely expressed. I know I have written, but the last time was so urgent, that it wasn’t really very relaxing. Rather I should say not much I have experience lately has been very relaxed.

My brain feels overloaded, kind of numb, and my back keeps going into spasms. I need to do something, maybe this is it.

I’m thinking of Ds, He is such a good boy. Kind, caring, sensitive… He is so much like me. It makes me so very worried. He takes so much upon himself, he carries the weight of the world on his eleven year old shoulders, and it breaks my heart. He is so responsible. Tonight, both he and Dd were being a little bit petty to each other. They were being bratty I guess you could say arguing back and forth over ridiculous things. The computer, some hair gel, which pajamas to wear, who said what, who did what to whom, Oh my goodness enough already. I got fed up, said enough and I sent them to bed.

Well somehow the argument turned into fairness, Dd has such a hard time to understand that she and DS are very different, she will not have all the same privileges as he does, she is not as old number one but more importantly she doesn’t earn them the way he does. Anyway I know I am rambling a bit but back to the hair gel, Dd was being incredibly selfish about it, and figured if she couldn’t have it, well neither should Ds have it. Oh my goodness, Dh went up to talk to them, He reminded them about fairness, and how in the past there have never been injustices to one or the other, nor will be anytime soon. Loving families, share everything. They will be no exception. Its funny how, no matter what is going on between us personally I truly believe Dh is a good Dad. He loves those two kids more than his own life.

So anyway, after a bit of talking Dd was really acting out, and dh told her she was in trouble now. Immediately, Ds stopped him. He tried to take the blame, he said it was his fault, he was causing the fight. He though is going to be the one, that when stuff is going on with his friends or someone is in trouble it’s going to be him that looses sleep, the one that is worried, the one that wants to help. He’s seen and heard too much, in his short life. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to worry, to try and protect. No wait, that is a good quality, but I want him to do it for the right reason.. I don’t think I can explain my thoughts clearly right now.

Dd can be incredibly caring as well; she is sensitive in a different way. She cares about the world, she sees the big picture, she doesn’t care too much about possessions or things, she loves and wants to be loved in return. She cares about people in general. That’s how they are different, ds cares what people think, he needs to be built up. Dd doesn’t really distress too much, but thinks it’s unjust when people are unkind, and will even go so far as to stand right up for her self or someone else who is being treated poorly. That’s not to say she doesn’t ever get her feelings hurt, but she seems to have a much thicker skin. Ds is testing the waters with his self esteem. And most of the time is very unsure. He is incredible affected by his surroundings, she is not. He really needs a routine, and he follows it almost scrupulously. I never ever have to tell him to do his homework, or his chores, the second he walks in the door he gets right to it. I might have to remind him to do the chore but he goes to it right away. He always tries his best. Dd on the other hand, has to be told about a million times to do anything!!!! It frustrates me to no end. Then on top of the prodding to do something there is complaining. I swear that child is going to give me grey hair.

Anyway, I am sure I could go on and on. They are s o different, both good though I think where it counts.

Dh just went upstairs and clothed the door, He didn’t say good night or anything and usually closing the door means don’t come in. Today wasn’t the greatest for us. We had lots of down and very little ups. We fought an awful lot, but in the end communicated with out yelling. I can see some small glimmers of hope sometimes. Sometimes I think he is starting to understand, the damage the past had caused, that he caused. Sometimes I see the remorse on his face, in his voice. You can fake a lot of things, but I don’t think that it was put on. I think he is wore out, scared and incredibly frustrated. This is the longest we have consistently fought in the thirteen years we have been together, this is the most honest I have ever been about my feelings to him, with him and about him. I have stopped telling him, things just to make the situation better and to make him feel better. I am telling the truth regarding our relationship and my unsteady feelings, even if it’s harder and it hurts more. I think honesty now is the only option, if we are ever going to move forward. I think, he is making an effort to communicate in a more effective way, but it’s so foreign to him that he really and truly struggles to do it. I think he remembers all the horrible things that passed between us even better than I do. I think he has realized I am changing. In that I am becoming surer of my self. I am not completely alone, in that I have someone positive to share my emotional obstacles with, I am not changing exactly in the way he would like, I am still really having a hard time too actually, but I think he is beginning to understand, that I don’t function well in turmoil situations. No I mean he knows that, but he is loosening his grip slightly so that I may be allowed help, to free myself from the effects of the turmoil.

Again with the rambling. It’s interesting though the changes, the dynamics, the truths…

Tomorrow, I don’t know what will happen. MIL is coming late afternoon. I plan to prepare myself, not in the usual way. Not by being frenzied, and obsessive; but by leaning on my rock, and by gaining reassurances. I will do my best to stay positive and confident. It’s been a difficult week so far, that is for sure. I don’t really like Wednesdays. Wednesdays are becoming onerous. In earlier days, I would have said Wednesday was my favorite day of the whole week. Things change.

Today after school I felt a little numb. We had a few extra kids over, Ds had two and Dd had one. So there was no yelling, but there was a bit more talking. Dh mentioned, he is considering going to see someone to talk to. He wants to have someone to vent his frustrations to in a safer more positive way. I said good idea, I know it won’t be the same person I am fortunate I have but, I’ll have to trust in God that the person he finds won’t steer him in a bad direction. I am sure that person won’t have the same values or morals that I’d prefer, but again, I’ll have to trust it will be helpful. We talked a bit more, quietly though, I wish it had been that way from the start. Unfortunately It was too late for me, my brain was exhausted and I just didn’t’ have the will to press any issues. This is the same thing that always happens though, after a particularly large battle and after I cry. My mind is mushy, my reactions are slower and I am tired.

I am so glad the kids were entertained at least with their friends, but then in all the chaos, I started dinner way late I was rushing to make something acceptable, I was cooking away when the parents showed up one after the other. I didn’t turn down the stove enough and ended up burning two things and having one pot spill over. So just my luck, after everyone was out the door I had a huge mess to clean up, no dinner and I colossal head ache. I felt sick because I thought Dh was going to start yelling again. He surprised me though, he didn’t say a word. He just sort of laughed, not in an accusatory way, just an inevitable, what else can go wrong today? Sort of way. We decided to go out, it was fine.

Over dinner we received a phone call, Dh found out he is laid off until further notice; Ironic, right while eating out. They might try and go back Monday, maybe. That’s two full weeks off now, so that means no paycheck. We talked some about our lifestyle, my perspective. For what ever the reason, I have really come to be disconnected from the financial hardships going on. I get it, but I don’t at the same time. I honestly do feel appreciative and blessed to do what I do. I am so thankful I have gone this long without needing to work, I have single handedly raised my kids; I have been there EVERY step of the way. I haven’t missed anything physically I have ALWAYS been there. I think I might take it for granted sometimes. Not necessarily on purpose. I am not perfect by any stretch, and I think that may be one of my true faults. I am so lucky; I’m scared to know what life would be like without that simplicity. I am doing our books, and I am the last person that should be doing them. I don’t know how to budget, I never know how much money is in my account, I can buy what ever I want when ever I want. It’s silly really. I am not an extravagant person, I don’t go shopping all the time for myself, it’s not really like that. It’s more like on house stuff or groceries. I want to change that about myself, I want be more prudent, is that the word? I want to be more aware and pay more attention.

After dinner I saw my friend, she was going to work, she works full time at the school and then nights cleaning offices. It really struck me; as if I needed physical proof, saying look you!! Pay attention, be grateful.
I can do better, I know I can. And I will do better. So many changes all around me. It’s hard to breath, I need a steady hand to guide me , to keep my feet on the right path, the path leading to solid ground.

So this was a rather long entry, I just did a word count. Nearly 2000 words and over 10 000 characters. I want to go to bed, but I know sleep in going to be elusive to me. I am exhausted but not tired. Tomorrow is “crazy hair” day at school so I want to be up nice and early. Dd has dance tomorrow afternoon, I think I ‘l make an early dinner so my afternoon is free. I would like to spend some time in the afternoon, like I said being armored 🙂

I heard this yesterday, it has nothing to do with anything I’ve written about tonight, but it’s so beautiful I want to close on it… It’s a definition of love, beyond mere attraction, much more serious, infinitely deeper, and perfectly simple…

“Love is the beauty of the soul.” –St. Augustine

~Good Night~


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