..secrets and lies..

I’m sorry. Lies and Lies and more lies; judgment, aggravation, betrayal, weakness, and my flawed design…

What a mess I have made of everything, as dawn is breaking I am trying to see a tiny bit of light. It’s too late the damage is done. Reparation, how many times, have a stood here before. Internally weak, forever appalling; through his eyes, only condemnation…

Should I be so bold as to write what I am truly feeling? It might shock you. Does it matter, do you care? Who am I but an anonymous poster, crying out of my great selfish desire? I am the most selfish creature there is, I deserve everything that comes my way. I’ve been listening, to such beautiful words. Words filled with love and hope, and I was starting to believe. It doesn’t matter anymore, I too am hearing the other words meant to confuse and oppress. Words with no kindness, that are my words, spoken from another’s lips, but they are all mine. I’ve listened to them for as long as I could remember.

How can I do it, how can I make it through? It’s so dark all around me, I am hearing echoes, but I can’t find my way to the surface. I’m drowning, in the pools that are my own mind. I do this to my self, it’s no ones fault, I can not place blame, it create this misery.

Lies, lies are tricky, lies are natural, and lies have lost significance. They started so small. Self preservation, Protect myself, at all cost.

I lie all the time to Dh, about everything. Time, money, interactions, conversations, responsibilities. I am in a constant self preservation mode, I tell him what he wants to hear, simply to save myself some hardship, an argument, ridicule, or even to make myself look, smarter, to seem more competent, less weak, less of a push over, I’m so lost in it all I have no idea how to stop.

Years ago, I felt the need to constantly protect myself, from my past indiscretions. I lived a lie, about who I was, what I wanted, what I liked and didn’t like. I tried so hard to please him, to obtain perfection, to have no faults to be ridiculed for. You can not live that way for long; I could not live that way for long.

I grew up in the intellect of Secrets and Lies… It’s still that way as far as I can see at home, my family’s home. I tried to be different once I realized what I was doing, and like usual I took extreme measures and I didn’t lie about anything, to anyone, ever.

I told the truth and braced for the fury. The fury came often, and then in an attempt to rid myself of some fury I stopped doing things, going places, talking to people; if I didn’t have to put my self in a situation that would require me to lie, it was just easier. So basically I gave in, and allowed Dh to be in full control.

Well that was not the solution either. Slowly, resentment built; after all there was a lot of negativity being put in my path. That’s probably when the lying started again. Half truths, to prevent an argument, manipulations; or to do something I wanted to do.

(I’m not talking about inappropriate things, I’m talking about phone calls to my SIL, or walks with Ds or trips to the store for no reason other that to get out of the house, or visiting with a friend at the park while our children played, or when I last mopped the floors. They were mostly Lies to be allowed to be involved with this or that. I like to volunteer; it makes me feel good to do good things with others. I like being around people that genuinely enjoy my company; I like to be helpful and appreciated. I’ve lived so long with no appreciation that it warms my heart. Is that pride? Maybe, but I have lied relentlessly to be able to remain part of those things. It’s a difficult sacrifice for me because, every time I leave the house, whether it was helping out at the children’s school, being involved with PAC, helping with SV, volunteering my time anywhere, I have to endure ridicule, insults, and inflections of anger. Forget about, joining a team, or having friends that might take me away from home to do something on my own. I will never be allowed. I have the time during the day, and even that time is monitored by phone calls and accusations.)

That was all I lied about, self preservation, not personal gain…

Well. It’s a difficult existence, being me. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I hate lying about anything.

I’m so sorry. It was too easy giving in, I am so sorry; I don’t want to fight anymore.

The night before last, I didn’t sleep; my mind was on one thing all night long. I fought with Dh, but at least I had that to keep in my mind which helped make me feel stronger, I am good, I’m going to be okay, it’s not all my fault… Over and over.

Yesterday morning I made the decision to make the make the most of my day regardless of the night before. It seemed like there was a small reprieve. I went out and I was fortified, walking always helps. I was extremely content, even happy. Afterwards I walked in to my home, and was again attacked. It was my fault this time. I deserved all of it, I can do better. My guard was down; my defenses were low due to my lack of sleep. I felt like I was slowly suffocating. Yesterday was so very long. I was panicking for an escape. Weakness. My old secrets were so easily obtained. It was so easy to be back there, Temporary though, I cut. I cut a lot. I took some pills and cut. It took care of all of it. I’m numb to the actions, and I have responsibilities today. It really doesn’t matter anymore. Dh is right. I am nothing without him.

I am so lost in this sadness

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