So it’s Sunday morning, I’m sitting here alone with my coffee. Dh has just left to go check out the snow level at one of his settings and The kids are still sleeping, which is good I guess as today is there last day of holidays. It’s too bad about my back, the week went be kind of quickly and we really didn’t get to do anything spring breakish. It’s not like the weather has cooperated anyhow.
So tomorrow I think my life can regain at least some normalcy. Kids are going back to school, and hopefully DH is going back to work. You know how I’m always looking around for a plan and a purpose.. I am starting to think that’s actually not a great personality trait, but I’ll work on that train of thought later. Anyhow I think maybe this has all happened for a reason. Maybe I was so stressed out there in the end that I honestly needed a break. Think about it, the tension in my house has been running on maximum for weeks now and my body has been out of sorts, my moods have been stretched, my brain has been on overload. So what happens?
I hurt my self, in the most unusual way, No extreme accident, but something simple, which was witnessed by others around me, rather than just DH. Then I am forced to be still and quiet and mostly alone for five days. Obviously my stress level has decreased, I’ve had much needed time to reflect, I’ve realized how much I miss and further how much I value my Jobs, or my daily tasks… Now that I am healing, and I honestly do feel so much better, I am looking forward to what ever is coming next. SO hindsight t tells me, this was meant to be.
Should I talk about yesterday? Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was the kind of day that had potential for disaster. I am proud of myself and my choices, because yesterday did not turn into a disaster. Yesterday turned into a reflective and cleansing sort of day.
I’ll admit, it’s harder for me to let someone in, to my memories, harder than I would have ever imagined. It’s difficult bringing these things back up to the surface. I’m not sure why, if it’s the genuine guilt, the shame, the resurfacing of powerful emotions, but also in there, there is simple pride; the arch-enemy to personal growth. It’s hard to let the wall down after some many years building it up. I suppose though, and it could only be divine and I am sure of that, that I after all these years have a trust situation, a place to go with no judgment or ridicule. I am thankful always. So even when a feel nervous, in having opened up these atrocious truths, I know there is no reason to be. That’s comforting.
So what was different about yesterday, and this DH is how I am changing. I had something’s swirling around in my mind, I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed, I immediately tried to seek comfort with Dh, I really wanted him to listen, I was obviously rebuffed, and as usual the situation was turned around, to be about our relationship and what I’m NOT doing, I was hurt, and instead of spiraling down a slippery pit into my own grief, instead of remaining silent and torturing myself, with my own accusations and misery, I left. I physically removed myself from the situation and I came to the safest environment I know. I spent over an hour, tears spilling down my cheeks, not only crying out, but physically sobbing. I didn’t feel betrayed, I felt only comforted. I was completely alone, yet not alone at all. Each time new thoughts surfaced, they were heard and then turned away positively with love. It was a completely new experience. I was open, every facet of my life, my past, my immoral soul, was open before God, and I felt only love, only comfort, only hope, only mercy.
I was faced with an overwhelming desire to trust, in this life, in my human life there has been such a vast betrayal of trust, that I may bare the consequence for the rest of my time, but this trust, this inhuman, this perfect ability to give myself, my true self, in all my sinfulness, was astonishing and I am still overwhelmed. I am not alone in my suffering. I do not have to be alone ever again.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Jesus came to this earth, to save us all, he was punished and tortured in ways no mortal could ever withstand, he had suffered long before any of us, he knows our human pains, he know our human frailties, our weaknesses. He knows our minds and our hearts, our desires and our limitations. He knows us, in all our many intricacies and is still willing to walk with and guide us; he reminds us in our most dire and desolate moments, that all he asks in return is to trust in him. To turn to him, always.
What greater gift could we have ever been given?
I am blessed in many different ways. I am feeling so much better today, freer. Thank you Lord, Thank you for sending me so many blessings, Thank you for putting good people in my path, thank you for being so merciful, and thank you for giving me my life…
I have no idea what the future holds for me, I am certain there will be difficulties to come but I know we am can face them, together.