..where do I even begin..

I’m tired of all of this, I’m tired of arguing, I’m tired of being ignored, I’m tired of needing things that aren’t good for me, I am tired of wanting things I can’t have, I’m tired of always being something, I’m tired of not being myself, I’m tired of being so insecure I don’t even hardly know who myself is… I’m tired of having such strong emotions, I’m tired of always wanting to cry, I’m tired of holding it all in, I’m tired of failing all the darn time, I’m tired of never being good enough, I’m tired of having conditions on my ability to be loved, I’m tired of being so needy, I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of forgetting things, I’m tired of having a headache, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of feeling lost.

That’s how I feel, kind of lost. I think this is now a record, well I don’t know; my memory isn’t the greatest, maybe in the past we’ve gone this long before with out resolving our issues. Maybe this is the first time; we are both not ending it. No, more like this is the first time I am not ending it.

Last night,

So yesterday after school Dd had a hockey tournament, floor hockey, not ice hockey. It was okay except that I had had a headache for most of the day and being uncomfortably cramped onto bleachers with a thousand other smelly people, wasn’t really that much fun…(headaches always heighten my sensitivity to smell, I have no idea why, I also have a fairly severe sensitivity to light, which is why I almost always wear sunglasses, during a headache it really intensifies)

Okay back to the bleachers, I was watching, and I was sitting with someone I knew so that was nice, (Lori) her child goes to school with Dd, and M was there. So I watched Dd, great for them, they made it to the finals, and played for first. They did amazing the whole tournament and in the final lost 4-2. They were disappointed because first place won a big trophy, I thought they did great though, this was a grade 4 boy’s tourney and their team was half filled with grade 3 girls. By the time we left it was after 6 pm. My headache went from, head ache to migraine, and I was trying very, very hard not to be sick. Nausea; Another lovely side effect of these crazy headaches. We arrived home and THANKFULLY I had prepared dinner earlier in the day, I had made chicken and French onion soup. All we had to do was wash up, set the table and eat. That was nice considering how late we ended up arriving home.

Sometimes I think Dh can sense when my defenses are especially low. Last night all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep. When we arrived home he was upstairs and visibly upset, I invited him to dinner but he declined, so the kids and I ate. I got them all ready for bed, tidied up, got things ready for the next morning and finally went upstairs myself.

Then we “talked”.

Dh didn’t call me at all yesterday, I thought that was a good thing, I thought either he has no reception wherever he was working or he is trying to respect my space and doesn’t have anything important to tell me. I was wrong on both accounts. He told me last night that he was very mad at me all day and decided to not call me and ream me out because he knew it would ruin my day, and since it was only a feeling (the reason why he was mad at me) he didn’t want to do that to me. But then he went on to say he is only human, and he can’t keep it in forever. He also said that he wished I never would have mentioned that I was considering leaving him because now he feels backed into a corner. HE feels like he should just leave to spite me even if it may or may not be the biggest mistake of his life, it would be my fault for threatening him. He thinks I should never have said it if I was going to do it, I should have decided myself and then left.

Then we talked a little bit more, I told him, thanks but no thanks. He was feeling all self-righteous for not having called me all day but contrary to what he just said, he then told me. If he was being truthful and truly didn’t want to hurt me he should have kept it in definitely. Not just the mere six hours he was at work. I told him to put himself in my shoes, he did and failed at the exact same thing I try to do and fail at. I have emotions running through me, whether they are legitimate or not is another thing, I want to talk to him, and he gets all mad. I try to keep my thoughts to myself, I even go so far as to “fake” my temperament to avoid an emotional outburst, but I too am only human. The thing is I can hold it in, far, far, far longer.

Anyway, nothing was resolved, I once again did not get up early with him, and we went to sleep like strangers. No resolution, and barely civil. I find that very difficult to manage, this coldness. I am a very lovable person; it’s the worst torture to be so clearly shunned. That’s what I truly want resolved in my self. I want inner contentment. I don’t want someone else to comfort me, it’s far too disappointing.

One thing though last night, one bright thing that happened. Oh I wanted to share the experience so much, but I couldn’t… so I enjoyed it my self. In my room I was laying awake, I have a large window that faces south east. I had the blinds drawn.. From that window I have to most perfect view of the local mountain. It’s perfectly symmetrical, it’s almost as if the window frame, frames the beauty of the mountain. Like a picture. I was laying there, slightly sad. Just thinking… I looked over and noticed a glowing coming from behind the peak of the mountain. Knowing that a full moon was due that night, I jumped up ran down stairs grabbed my tripod and my camera and set it up as quickly as I could. I watched the moon rising, it was remarkable. I stayed there until the moon was high in the sky. Afterwards I lay back down and was able to sleep, content. I hope I was not the only witness to that magnificent sight; it was too amazing for simply one set of eyes.

Today

Today was okay. I truly must figure this persistent sadness out. No, not figure it out, figure a way out of it. I didn’t have much to do today, I had finished all my house work by ten, I went for a run, had a shower, all the usual things I do in my day. I really did try to stay busy. I didn’t feel like writing earlier, I couldn’t concentrate very well on anything. I maybe should have tried it might have helped. I just seemed to have this anxious feeling in my body all day. I was thinking, maybe I’m starting to feel physical effects of stress. I am not physically under stress, but mentally I think it’s getting to me. I need to relax or meditate or something. I came to the church to pray and that did help, but unfortunately I just didn’t leave myself enough time, I should have come a bit earlier. Ds had a dentist appointment, so I left and carried on with my day. I was fully planning on coming back later in the afternoon, but I forgot that the kids had parent teacher interviews that afternoon. I am just noticing a significant difference in my thoughts, my thoughts are louder, my concentration is awful, I’m forgetting things, and I’ve been so tired. I’m never this tired during the day and then all these crazy headaches. Forget about eating, I do but basically just enough to sustain myself. I am not hungry-ever.

Physically I am very healthy person, but lately I’ve not been feeling well. I guess it’s been about 9 days though of consistent strain. Imagine those people that live in crisis for years, My heart truly goes to them. It’s complicated I guess, I also guess it’s me that’s complicating everything. At anytime I am fairly sure that I could resolve this all. I think that’s why it’s harder, because it’s my choice not to resolve under anything less than the fair terms I am requesting. Not to simply back down, to admit defeat, it’s unheard of from me. Everything I said that first day were all true things. I don’t believe I am being unreasonable. I am following a completely new path, and it’s scary. I find too that it’s the indecisiveness that’s hard. It’s also hard because I am getting a clearer picture all the time now that my eyes have been opened; my life certainly isn’t all that I thought it was. That’s kind of sad, I could cry over that one thing. I can see, to Dh, I am not worth the effort.

I have no idea, I will continue though. I won’t do anything stupid, nothing rash, and hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better. What was that saying, in scripture about having to go through a period of darkness before the period of grace? I can’t really remember right this moment. I believe God has a plan for me, and if this is his will, be it done unto me.

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