So they are gone, just left actually and I think maybe I was fooling myself just a little bit. Or maybe that is the key, I’ll explain.. While MIL and SIL were here I felt like I was handling all quiet well, I didn’t over analyse anything I didn’t make assumptions, I simply tried to enjoy the moment. Each one, one after another. I tried to keep in mind, to treat others with kindness and respect, I was hospitable, and friendly.. It wasn’t difficult or anything, but I did notice things that were not there I am sure in any previous visits. I paid more attention to actions and reactions and looked for causes. Why did I do that? Why am I doing this? What are the motives, are my actions sincere or is it happening for a reaction, am I trying to please??? It was interesting. So even though things were lovely and friendly right now as their car pulled away from my drive, why do I feel as though I finally exhaled…? Humm, maybe I was more tense than I realized?

Well I’ll think about it some more later, I don’t want to over contemplate things right now either. I have decided to go to that new meeting, The CL thing this morning. It might be a nice break not to think about myself for an hour 😉

One last little thing, Why does it feel like I’ve lost ground, or perhaps stumbled again. The feeling is coming from two different directions. I sort of feel like with Dh things are back to normal, nothing negative, but I still don’t want to forget our last weeks conversations. I hope we can talk again, I am a little bit confused and maybe I’ll cause more trouble than it’s worth, but I still feel the same as I did the last week, and you know maybe that is the point. It’s just becoming clearer and clearer. My choice, and in the other direction, that is probably the point as well, nothing has changed, still My choice.

I don’t think writing is going to solve that one, maybe a conversation behind a screen would be a better idea.

I’m going to keep busy today, I don’t want to let my thoughts wonder too much.


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