..sorting thoughts..

How much longer, I am not a very patient person, at all. I know this about myself… You know we have had too many fights in the past, in the beginning I remember the fight that mirrored this one only happened once or twice a year, it would be all miserable and I’d cry myself to sleep and the next day “I” would be fine. As time passed these same “I’m leaving you arguments” came slightly more frequently, at least they used to until the first two years we lived here.

We really didn’t fight much at all, and my mood was relatively stable through that time too. My first winter here was slightly grey; I felt the difficulties of mild depression. Summer arrived and all was well again. That’s about when I stopped taking all anti-psychotic meds relatively soon after we moved here. The next winter Dh was in camp, it was a good 8 or 9 months that he was away, and I did manage fine actually. The kids and I had our routine and we were happy. Of course we all missed him, and some of the times were harder than others. I don’t believe I had any problem with depression that year. (I was med free at that point too, except for the sleeping pills) That was also the year that I really and truly came back to the church. I had as much time as I wished for private prayer, that was the year I began attending daily mass, that was the year I received RCIA, all of that worked, I am thinking because my family responsibilities were slightly lessened and I didn’t have anything or anyone telling me I shouldn’t be doing that or being there. I suppose in April  when Dh came home for good, it might have been a bit of a shock for him to see the difference in me. We adjusted; I slowly began allowing more of my new self to be known. That was when I stopped taking all my sleep meds for good.

April, which was not even a full year ago, was when we made our vows before God and our families. I have thought many times that I pressured Dh into it, and In a way I did. We have talked about that recently and he said, “He did do it for me, but not because he didn’t want to be with me, it’s just that he doesn’t really understand why the sacrament or even legal point is so important. He said he would have been quiet happy to stay as my “boyfriend” forever.” Now that being said, he also said that he asked his Mom to be there because he wanted to her to see that he was making the commitment to me before God, and them, that it was forever, and they were the witnesses. Which is sort of a contradiction; if he doesn’t understand why it’s important than why did it matter if his mom witnessed??? Okay anyway that’s not really relevant right this minute, but it does make me think he cares more about God than he will ever let me know.

So it’s been only the last 9 -10 months that have had more than usual – difficult moments. I’m not really sure why either. (As all the things that were causing problems in our past are no longer happening, or so I thought I recently found out he has had several one night stands in that time) In general we are pleasant to each other, maybe not as loving as “I’d” like to be, but on all the important stuff, he has stuck by me. We had many an argument about his mother, last year I mean after she came back to Canada. In the past she was the number one thing we argued about and after we moved here that was another thing we had gotten away from, yet last year she somehow manages to cause several problems.

I’d even say he had really knocked off the controlling behavior through that time, too. It has only seemed to start up again recently. (Which is why my mind immediately went to .. He’s having an affair. I truly do want our marriage to work, I really pray that’s not what all of this is about) It really does seem like it’s been up and down over the last year. Yes, we’ve had lots of great memories made, but just as many sour ones are included.

Another thing, which is a huge stress and it’s a new one for us, Financial. Dh didn’t go to camp this winter because there was no work. The entire industry is on very shaking ground, and we are in a position that we will be in a lot of trouble if the work stops. That’s a huge stress, but it’s also one we haven’t thankfully always had to deal with so maybe that’s also part of the new discord between us. We needed to figure out how to manage, when things weren’t so disposable. It’s kind of character building, and does have potential to draw people together. If we are dealing with it as a team.

Then there’s the other stuff that I get into all on my own…
I over schedule myself , then I’ll stress out and bam, can’t handle things well, okay take some stress out of the equation, and I feel better, I feel better so I take on more responsibilities again and bam, stress out and again, quit handling everything well. Then on top of that which has nothing to do with Dh, at least not directly, when I come to him he then makes it about himself. I turn to him for support and comfort he gets frustrated, we argue, I’m wounded by not receiving the reaction I am hoping for and then I spiral down into the negative workings of my dramatic mind and tada… I’m either a zombie for a few weeks or I am having an emotional outburst followed by hysterics… Not exactly rational behavior, but it’s obviously a learned pattern. And it’s what I am confident I am going to be able to change.

Well I have to get some stuff done today, I found out MIL is coming after all. I am really not prepared for her inspection, but am not going to overly stress about it, because I have slightly more important things to be concerned about at the moment. She will arrive around lunch time tomorrow. I am not finished this train of thought, but I do feel better and more focused after typing all of this out, I’ll finish later. …

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