To write or not to write, I didn’t really feel like it today or yesterday really. I am becoming a little mentally tired. All this contained emotion is VERY difficult for me. It feels sort of like I’ve swallowed a large lump of something disgusting.
Ds has been sick, I’ve kept him home since the day before yesterday. Actually he came home from school in the middle of the day on Tuesday and even though I could see he was still feeling ill he was bothering me to go back to school all day yesterday. At first I was considering it but then I realized he is actually ill and I don’t want him to affect any others so I said no. I found out why he was pestering me so much, apparently they are playing badminton in PE and he loves playing that, so he didn’t want to miss out.
I still feel like we are in the eye of a hurricane, I have no idea which way is out, I can’t really see very far past all that is right in front of me, and I have no idea what I am doing. I am in foreign territory, and I think last night I slipped a little. I think I know which parent Dd gets her perseverance and stubbornness from… and let’s just say it’s not me. Okay, that said I am still maintaining my strength when it has counted. I have not shed one tear; I’ve been logical and resolute by having no indication of outburst or emotion. That’s absolutely incredible.
Last night, I had a moment right before I fell asleep. Dh was already asleep and I was overwhelmed for just a second. I think a truly malicious means of torture to me, is isolation, and disregard. Why does that affect me so much? It’s so much worse than a physical pain. One tear escaped, but not even a sniffle. Those tears would be worse than a white flag. I might as well cry Mercy, because I would ruin everything. He seems sincere in considering all I have said; he doesn’t seem to like it though. I don’t know what he will decide. I hope he decides I’m worth fighting for, I truly do. Things are so shaky though at the moment I really have no idea. Last night I was considering my feelings, the ones that had welled up inside of me, and decided that if this suffering is necessary, if it’s can be useful, if it is God’s will, than I’ll do it. I am certainly no Martyr for sure, I don’t find any good or happiness in this trial, and I wouldn’t choose it. I will however, endure for as long as it takes.
So today is another day, I continue to pray for strength and to say the right things and to do the things to help us to go in the best direction for our family. I trust only in God, He is merciful and good; his will be done, unto me.