..oh my..

I hope that saying is true, “Things get worse before they get better. ” I also hope that, that is what’s happening. Worse now, but will get better.

I woke up this morning the clock read 5 18am. I just felt this feeling on my chest, sadness, anger, suffocation, frustration… I was sleeping soundly most of the night then I just awoke. It was strange.

I have no idea what today will bring, I know what I am supposed to do today but I’ll admit I’m feeling a little disheartened. I wish I could get away somewhere for a little while. I wish I could take my children and go visit my Gram. I miss her. I miss her island. I wish my children could see it through young innocent eyes, while it’s still magical and not through grown eyes that may only see the desolation and dilapidated state of the old farm houses, I want them to believe in the magic of the place and not worry that there are no stores and only a terribly slow dial up connection…

She lives literally on a deserted island, her home is on an island in the middle of lake Huron. Were she lives, is a place that people only summer, but she keeps her residence there all year. She is a tough brave woman, imagine living through Ontario snow storms, with out another soul around for 30 miles. Yet she does.

She and my Grandpa used to summer there also, actually pieces of my family own all the property along there, except most have passed away now, I think she has a sister that has a home next door, well, you can see it out of her back door but that’s not exactly next door. In suburb terms, You couldn’t even yell to each other. It’s too far, but technically it IS her next door neighbor..

She and my Grandpa, decided to move to the island permanently when he retired. He was a post master, and they did. It’s sad though, they didn’t have much time together before he died. He had cancer, lung and brain. Tough guy though, he lived five years longer than they predicted.

I have so many memories of him, happy easy memories. Riding around on his tractor, helping him pick cucumbers out of their enormous garden, you could run through it getting lost in the corn.

I’ll never forget the day he died for as long as I live. That was the summer my entire life changed. My Mom and I went to see him, days before he died, That summer. I was a brat, and going there set in motion the change that eventually took over my life. I had a nose piercing, which I took out, I didn’t want him to see it. These people, knew none of the atrocious things that had been going in my life over the past few years, they didn’t know of any of my rebellious teen-aged angst that I had been coveting so much, they knew only me. Sweet, innocent, loving, helpful, caring, kind, me. I could have stayed, you know. There with my Gram.

The day he died, it was a glorious warm June day. I knew it was time, his children gathered around his bed to be with him. I took my younger cousins, out of the house and down to the lake. They were a bit too young to witness death and their parents needed that time alone to say good bye to their father. I was laying back on the dock watching the clouds, the sky was a brilliant hue of perfect blue and the clouds were white puffs of cotton. That’s when it happened, A warm breeze came up so suddenly, the water grass swayed all around me, the sound of it swishing in the gust of wind still rings in my ears, and then it was gone. I knew then that he too, was gone.

I miss him a lot, I think he would have loved my children….


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