..sadness..

Nothing new.

As the day wears on, I am reaping an overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears are no longer merely threats but have taken refuge just below the surface. It’s seems like I am sitting on the edge of an immense cliff, over looking a black abyss. All around me are beautiful gems. Glittering and shining, and are mine to take as I wish. Faith, Love, Endurance, Knowledge, Kindness, Peace, Fulfillment… But my feet are dangling and I am slipping. Over the edge is solitude, unforgiveness, shame, hatred, disobedience, suffering, pain, torment…

How could he dislike the best part of me? All the things he dislikes are the best qualities of myself. He really doesn’t even know me anymore. He feels frustrated and violated at the exact same moment I am inspired and hopeful. How can that be?

I have no idea how to close this gap being widened with such a fierce resentment. In an imaginary world it’s much easier to cope, but that world is being coming harder and harder for me to find and take refuge in. My self awareness is becoming so apparent that it blocks my path to delusivness.

It would be much easier to love him, love is blind. (sarcasm) I don’t want to be blinded. I am helpless, there has to be at least one redeeming quality, I don’t want to pretend. Every different thing I try, every door I unlock three more are slammed in my face.

I believe in True Love. True love is self sacrificing, wanting the very best for your beloved, with out any expectations. Take me as I am !

Today I am going to Mass with my children, at their school. I don’t think I’ll be able to go this evening, and I don’t want to have to miss. I am so excited to share with them my new found knowledge and the spirit which has been stirred in my soul, It’s so positive and good but it’s being spun negatively by Dh. That’s precisely why I am sad, I think. Their minds are so easily manipulated and I am weak to defend them. I will never give in, I will push through the turmoil that is corrupting our peace and keep going.

But I tell you not to resist an evildoer. On the contrary, whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well. Matthew 5:39

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