..runaway..

Well, if I could run away at all- today would be the day to do it.

I know that life’s problems can not be run from, but at this point it’s a tempting idea. I even asked Dh if I could go visit my Mom. I NEVER ask to go anywhere, he said no of course. But it was more because of a very large bill he just had to pay regarding me and my transportation than not wanting me to go see my Mom. Besides he knew why I was trying to escape today and on principle won’t allow it.

I think I slept about 5 minutes all of night last night. I tried everything, praying, meditation, reading, nothing helped. I feel completely awful. Such a stupid mistake. The worst part of it, was the fact that it was unintentional and if it wasn’t brought to my attention, I never would have thought twice over it. Now having over analyzed ever detail of the entire situation, I feel just terrible.

A little back story…

Two nights ago my son decided to have a sleep over. He only wanted to invite one friend. We’ll call him C. I thought that it would be nice to include another friend, we’ll call him N, since I figured that the boys would be talking about the sleepover in front of N and I didn’t want him to feel left out.

For the last 3 weeks N’s mother has been trying to get our boys together, alone without C to play. Last Friday it even went to far as when I told her my son, (Ds) was unavailable, she was upset. She was offended. So this week, I kept that in mind and trying to make everyone happy we invited N. I knew she was a little miffed that the sleep over included C but that was all I had to offer. All three or nothing.

I’ll give you a run down of all the activities the boys did over the course of the sleep over. The boys had a visit, caught up then decided to make videos of themselves doing various things. They did that for a bit. After I didn’t allow them to put their movies on You Tube they didn’t like it but conceded that I wasn’t budging and changed there plan.

They played some video games instead. They basically played two games one was Call of duty 5 which is a shooting war game (based on WWII), and Fifa soccer which is self explanatory. I asked N if he was allowed to play those games, as I already knew C was but wasn’t sure about N. He said yes. So they played for a while, took a break watched American Idol.

I was around the whole time. I am never too far away when the kids are here, last night was no exception. I was baking, three nearly teenage boys tend to eat ALOT so I was making them snacks.

They spent some time on MSN, which I also kyboshed as they were not being very constructive, they were letting a different classmate K sucker them into an awful conversation. Back and forth insults, that sort of thing. Anyway Like I said that only lasted a few minutes because it was obvious no good could come from it.

I know, such a mean Mom, I never let them have any fun…

Oh well. Later on they decided to watch a video – and here in lies the problem. I gave them a choice between several, such as Transformers, The Hulk, Indiana Jones, Iron Man, we have a good movie collection and they chose Disturbia. It’s rated PG 13, and it’s a thriller. We, the kids and I have seen it about 3 other times, so I wasn’t worried about the content. I am truly sorry, and next time if there is one, I’ll have N’s Mom pre approve selected movies, I had no idea he wasn’t allowed. I asked several times if they were sure they wanted to watch it, if they would be frightened, if they were allowed to watch thrillers, do they ever watch scary movies at home. And so on…

We obviously differ on movie censorship. N’s mother and I. I NEVER would have gone against her wishes. I asked them, I am sorry N didn’t feel comfortable telling me or Ds he wasn’t aloud to watch those sorts of movies. The day after the sleepover N’s mother sent me an email, she was pretty upset I allowed her son to watch a movie like that. She sent me a link with a rating in it. It did sound harsh on the review, but I honestly didn’t think at the time it was a bad movie. My kids aren’t overly censored in the movie department, I allow pg 13’s. (with in reason of course) And like I said we have already seen the movie a couple of times.

Anyways, after the movie they went to bed, I stayed awake until they fell asleep because, well I don’t know why I just can’t sleep until I know they are sleeping. So I guess that would be why I am feeling slightly like a zombie this morning, two nights with very little sleep.

Yesterday morning after Dh left I crawled back into bed I wasn’t planning to fall back to sleep but I did and quick. I knew I was tired. I had been an emotionally difficult week and that wears me out more than anything else. I was glad to have to kids over; there is never anything to worry about when the kids have friends over. It’s like back to normal household. No friction.

Anyway back to my story… I heard one of the boys stirring around 8 and then I came down I little bit later. I was surprised to find N and C on my computer when I came down stairs, as I didn’t even hear them go down. After that I told them to go wake up Ds, (Ds isn’t used to staying up so late, I bet he really would have slept in if I let him) The boys played some more video games, ate breakfast then headed outside.

They had an air soft war in the back woods. It was pre arranged; C had brought his guns and had an extra one for N to use as well. I guess that was the purpose of the sleepover. C and Ds had been trying to plan one for a while but due to the awful weather I kept saying no.. LOL. I made sure they had protective face/eye wear on and Dh monitored them. Dh came home due the fog so he kept an eye on them why they were back there. After that they came in, played around, hung out, played some more games and that was about it.

Last night, after I received M’s email, I called her right away. I felt really bad. She didn’t return my call right away so I emailed her and told her basically what I just wrote out. She did phone me back last night around 9 30. Unfortunately I was already sleeping and I was a bit dozy. We talked I apologized sincerely, she said she forgave me.

But , she told me a few things first…

You know maybe I am too lax with the media that is going on in this house. She doesn’t approve of some of Ds music; she quoted Garbage going in, Garbage coming out. I think so far my kids are doing alright; I think they are good kids. I hope I am not deluding myself though. I am incredibly bias. Maybe she see’s something in them that I do not?

I see her point, but I monitor what they listen too. I have a line, it’s not crossed. I don’t personally love all of his music, but I am hopefully helping him to have some freedom on a leash. They are learning to make good choices in an environment that is alluring and immoral. I say yes to certain music or movies, with in reason but then say no to different other things.

I don’t know, this whole thing has made me second guess myself. Maybe I truly am being too relaxed about it… I can only go forward from here, and you can be very sure I’ll consider what I am letting them watch, and try to see it through another perspective. I am living in the middle of a two polar moral opposites. I am doing my best, this will not happen again.

It’s weird for me because I am always usually the one that is saying no to everything. Ds best friend watches all sort of stuff that I don’t allow. (not that that makes this situation okay) So I thought I did alright in that monitoring department.

M also said I should consider WWJD? She said if we are going to watch something, or do something, or listen to something would Jesus approve? She said it’s what she is teaching her children, and she thought we were on the same page. She was disgusted that I allowed my daughter, (Dd) to watch the movie as well. She said she NEVER would have allowed her son of the same age to be there. I can not do anything to fix this, as the damage is already done, that is what makes me feel so sick. I feel awful.

She downloaded the movie last night and was planning to watch it, so I am sure I’ll hear from her again on the subject. I don’t mind that at all, but what more scares me when it comes to her, is how many OTHER people will also hear about it. Just what I need, ammunition against my parenting skills. I know Dh will use anything he can against me if we end up separating.. If people are talking about my poor choices as a mother, that will be one for him.

I have to see her, this afternoon and I am dreading it, I am afraid that she will still be upset and then bring others into the conversation. She is kind of known for doing that. She is very social plus she knows many people in this town, I don’t think it’s intentionally malicious, but that still won’t make me feel better.

Well this blog hasn’t brought any closure. I don’t feel better.

Well, I just received another email from her, she watched it and said

Hey, I watched it- until it quit on me- up to the part where Ronnie lost his phone in Robert’s car. Then it skipped to Kale asking Robert where his friend was. I was so mad- I was getting into it! Yes, the make out scene wasn’t okay etc etc, but I will still be your friend, and what are friends for but to help each other grow in wisdom and in Christ, so, our friendship has grown too…”

So hopefully that’s the end of it.

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