Trust is such a remarkable concept. So easily and readily given until such a time that its foundation is shattered. Then it becomes similar to Mercury splitting into a million different facets spreading out into all directions.
There is no more powerful witness than trust, and after it’s gone, abandoned in the throws of ecstasy, agony, or wrath… It’s lost to a sea of misgivings and doubt.
I am exhausted this morning, how much can I possibly bare? I have my pain, but also I feel the guilt of inflicting my sufferings onto others. He is distraught; I don’t want to be his cause. I wish I could bite my tongue and never let one thing slip from my lips. It’s as if we are in to different worlds, orbiting on different axis. He sees in me someone I don’t know or recognize, yet he is positive, persuasive and unwavering. I too see him from the other side of the glass, viewing him in a light that he can’t comprehend. We are balancing precariously, with no reprieve. I can’t see a way forward.
I will keep treading, fighting off the suffocation that is threatening my very being. I can not give up, temporal being, is literally that, temporary. What ever this darkness is that I am enveloped with must be endured.
I am angry to be called a victim. It’s an antagonistic statement, mean to oppress and discourage rather than empathize with or encourage. I suppose this is going to be a new road of grief. I realized last night, things are so heated at the moment, no matter what I say, whether I agree or disagree It’s going to add fuel to the fire. There isn’t currently a right word or action.
So my course today is the same as the day before. Quite, wordless, duty… I know I can do it, for I have Jesus in my heart and Mary by my side.
Lord, I do not pray to have an easy life, I pray to be a strong person.