Dr. Ray says, suck it up.
Seriously; I was listening to a call in radio show on EWTN and this woman called in that had a similar problem, Well her problem was more that her spouse never helped her with her children. So no- I guess it wasn’t really the same at all. However, I think the advice he gave could still apply.
When we made our vows, it was sacramental, serious, forever. I made a vow and he made a vow. I can not control what another person does or says or thinks. I CAN control what I do and say and think, within reason of course. My moods are always a factor, which is maybe a product of my past, but regardless I struggle with my moods and I am not sure if all of this is one problem or several coinciding together.
BUT – I agreed to; “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do us part?”
That was my YES.
Even if it is at present, WORSE. I can make it better by my actions. Or at the very least I can make my self feel better, which I strongly believe will make everything else better as well. I must not depend on him to be the key to my happiness. I did already know that, but I, even knowing that allowed his actions to influence and determine my happiness.
This is a little tangent, but I want to share the four agreements. (By don Miguel Ruiz) I have a copy on my fridge beside my stove which I read with regularity. They are practical and direct. Here they are, The Four Agreements:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Isn’t that interesting? Good Advice I think and practical for anyone.
Okay on with my story. Back to Dr. Ray; He went on to say, don’t nag your husband, don’t abuse your husband with your words, don’t make coming home for him a chore, be kind – Always. He said even though you (the lady or I in this case) are not seeing the giving, the intimacy, the self sacrifice that we’d hope to have in marriage, we have to change our ways.
We could drive ourselves crazy, struggling, and suffering and being disappointed OR we could drop our expectations of what this media driven society has impressed upon ourselves and just do it. For better or for worse.
I often think of a script from Sirach in the Old Testament, when I am considering my marriage, and my part.
The Blessings of a Good wife.
Happy is the husband of a good wife;
the number if his days will be doubled.
A loyal wife brings joy to her husband
and he will complete his years in peace.
A wife’s charm delights her husband,
and her skill puts flesh on his bones.
A silent wife is a gift from the Lord,
and nothing is so precious as her self discipline.
A modest wife adds charm to charm,
and no scales can weigh the value of her chastity.
Like the sun rising in the heights of the Lord,
so is the beauty of a good wife and a well ordered home.
Like the shining lamp on the holy lamp stand,
so I a beautiful face on a stately figure.
Like golden pillars on silver bases,
so are shapely legs and steadfast feet.
This has sure been a contemplative morning, I feel a little surer of my course again. My feelings aside, what’s right is right, this is all for the greater good.