..v-day part one..

Feb 14th 2009

V-Day… Very similar to D-day. Although unlike the amphibious invasion of Normandy, I can’t foresee much good that will come with our version.

Every year though, it’s something else. Why all the fuss I wonder; this V day stuff, it seems like little more than a pagan holiday to sell more hallmark products and make people whom are not currently in the throws of first love or interested in a lustful evening feel like they are missing something. Down with V-day I say!! Okay so that sounds slightly bitter, but I feel bitter this morning. So tough!

I am having one of those moments of reevaluation, of myself of course. I am disappointed in myself. I am not going to go overboard or anything it’s just disappointing to me, to see how I have been living as of late. I don’t really like the person I have been lately. I have been incredibly selfish. There are a string of things I could call myself, but that’s not important now, it’s more important just knowing…That’s not me; Of that I am sure.

Isn’t it funny though, I am constantly trying to move forward, I am constantly trying to discover “who am I ?” but in order for me to find things out I have to go about it the hard way. It’s always the longest, hardest way, I seem to have to try every wrong option before the right ones become apparent. In a corridor filled with glass doors, I’d try every single one before I’d look through the glass to see inside and find the correct one.

Why is that?

My mind is wrestling this morning.

~ Feelings ~
I am starting to get the impression that feelings are seriously unreliable. My feelings are so easily manipulated and influenced, that I, on a whim I am doing things according to what I am feeling, that very nearly, well I’d even say 99.9 % of the time are not the right things to be doing. Even though, at the time it FEELS perfectly acceptable…

I don’t seem to have the will to be objective. Feelings are just that, feelings. Not reality for sure. You CAN NOT gage a person based on feelings. I can not read minds, I MUST keep that in my mind. Just because I FEEL something does not make it correct. That’s a weird distinction for me. My world is so constantly turned upside down due to my FEELINGS that it’s becoming harder to separate fact from fiction. I am doubting my judgment. My feeling are reeking havoc in my life right now. The problem is I am not the only person effected by my decisions. I will try to keep these truths in the forefront of my mind, no more impulsive behaviour. Feeling are feelings, life is not about feelings, life is about choices and truth.

I imagine myself standing upon the edge of a vast sea. I am alone, either way I look there is not a single soul. It’s very humid and dawn is breaking. Behind me is a face of shear rock, there is nowhere else for me to be. I am standing for a reason, I am there for a purpose. I am not concerned with why, I am there. My being is content, my soul is free. The grey smooth rocks behind me are producing a shivery radiance, I feel the coolness on my back and am at ease. As I am gazing into the sea, and the sky is changing I am transfixed on a figure walking towards me. I am not frightened, I am contemplative. I am quiet. Although no words are spoken I am listening. I am aware of time, yet I am unconcerned. My mind, is cleansed, my anxieties are dissipating. He is there in the distance, continually coming to me, yet my frail human eyes can not see clearly. The space is great between us. I am aware that I am meant to be here. I am his child. He is my beloved. My heart is communicating. Though I am still standing silently on the edge of the sea, I am also now there, with Him. He is in me…

Feelings are like the waves in a great ocean, coming and going. Sometimes raging, sometimes quiet, sometimes over lapping each other, sometimes so forceful one may very likely drown. It’s important to stand there at the edge, to see, to watch but NOT to dive in. Witness the coming and going, be aware of the beauty of the human mind, the intricacies, the delicacies. Stand firm in the knowledge of being loved, by our beloved. Trust that we are never, ever alone. The distance is vast, in our human form. But our souls are intertwined.

Christus nobiscum; state! ~ “Christ is with us; stand firm.”

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