..recap..

Friday already, where does the time go? I woke up feeling good even though I didn’t have a lot of sleep last night. I didn’t even get into bed until around 10 45. I was a little preoccupied. (not with anything disturbing, but with housewife-ish stuff) I was working on my laundry, I was fighting dirt and grime.. I was battling with a couple of tough stains. I tell you, and I’ve said it before… White shirts on Elementary aged school kids… Not a good idea! All’s well that ends well though, because I got the stains out and my children have VERY white shirts. There is something to be said about doing a job you love, and I actually like doing laundry.

Now you might be wondering why I was doing laundry at that time of night, I did have all day. I did some during the day but it’s at night when I can’t sleep that I sometimes do my best work. I had a very productive day yesterday in fact. You see the clock is ticking, MIL is coming home in 8 days. She is the worst inspector of them all. I have caught her running her finger behind my TV checking for dust!! I could go on and on about that, but alas I don’t really want to spoil my mood this morning so I will not.

So yesterday was spent in one of my favorite ways, here alone, with no distractions, I didn’t go anywhere, and I was able to work and pray, to stay in the moment, to give glory to God in all my tasks, I wasn’t bothered by the mediums of the worldly media, I even spent time, Silently. That’s quite an achievement. Silence is difficult for me to obtain most days.

On a different note, I am noticing some correlations between my anxious moods and Dh’s level of animosity towards me. Regardless, with my best effort, not depending on him to be loving I have been, (well I have been trying to be) kind. When he is coming down hard on me, it is quite hard to keep steady, I do try though. I do not imagine he is the root of all my variable moods but I do think he can claim responsibility to at least some.

So my outward kindness may be working like somewhat of a shield? I only received small grumbles about the dinner on Ash wed. It was a traditional fast meal. I was hoping to share the experience with everyone. It was alright. That day was such an internal battle for me that I was really thankful that that Peace wasn’t spoiled with negativity.

Then yesterday Dh asked me, not accusatory or cruelly if I was planning to attend HM. Unfortunately there wasn’t one, but it was the thought that counted in this situation. He too was being kind. It’s amazing how that small amount of kindness coming from his lips brightened my mood. (Could this be a redeeming quality?)

I carried on with my day, he still called. He asked me what I was doing as usual and I told the truth with a positive voice, if I was praying I told him, If I was listening to my favorite Catholic radio station I told him also, when I was organizing my kitchen cupboards, I told him that too. He sort of poked fun of me, but that was the end of it.

Later on that day DD had to go to dance, Dh got mad at me for something I don’t even remember what, and as I was driving her I was feeling so hurt again. That’s when it donned on me, he with his negative attitude towards me caused this drop in my mood. I did absolutely nothing wrong. (this time at least)

So I thought for a few minutes, after I dropped Dd off. This could go one of two ways, I could remain with my feelings hurt, and feel bad to my self. (lets face it, he doesn’t care in the slightest how I feel so my feeling sad, is only hurting me. Well maybe he notices but it doesn’t change anything) Or I could realize it as a feeling and move past it. So I went home and with kindness, stayed in the moment and carried on with my dinner prep. Strangely, It was a little while later that I was alone standing in my kitchen that I felt this warmth covering my body, I felt so secure and safe, and peaceful. It was an odd sensation, but I noticed it immediately and enjoyed the moment of rest.

So that was yesterday, and today I am filled with a sense of purpose. I have one thing weighing on my mind, one road block that I intend to remedy this morning. I have no idea what today will bring but I am hopeful.

I didn’t mention, even though we found out Wed, (some good news) Ds recently was competing in a K of C basketball free throw competition at his school and he did great, so now he is invited to attend the semi finals which are out of town, well just one town over. He is very excited, I am very happy for him. So that’s tomorrow.

I have been thinking about my Grandma lately, I hope she is okay. I’ll write more about her later….

..sadness..

Nothing new.

As the day wears on, I am reaping an overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears are no longer merely threats but have taken refuge just below the surface. It’s seems like I am sitting on the edge of an immense cliff, over looking a black abyss. All around me are beautiful gems. Glittering and shining, and are mine to take as I wish. Faith, Love, Endurance, Knowledge, Kindness, Peace, Fulfillment… But my feet are dangling and I am slipping. Over the edge is solitude, unforgiveness, shame, hatred, disobedience, suffering, pain, torment…

How could he dislike the best part of me? All the things he dislikes are the best qualities of myself. He really doesn’t even know me anymore. He feels frustrated and violated at the exact same moment I am inspired and hopeful. How can that be?

I have no idea how to close this gap being widened with such a fierce resentment. In an imaginary world it’s much easier to cope, but that world is being coming harder and harder for me to find and take refuge in. My self awareness is becoming so apparent that it blocks my path to delusivness.

It would be much easier to love him, love is blind. (sarcasm) I don’t want to be blinded. I am helpless, there has to be at least one redeeming quality, I don’t want to pretend. Every different thing I try, every door I unlock three more are slammed in my face.

I believe in True Love. True love is self sacrificing, wanting the very best for your beloved, with out any expectations. Take me as I am !

Today I am going to Mass with my children, at their school. I don’t think I’ll be able to go this evening, and I don’t want to have to miss. I am so excited to share with them my new found knowledge and the spirit which has been stirred in my soul, It’s so positive and good but it’s being spun negatively by Dh. That’s precisely why I am sad, I think. Their minds are so easily manipulated and I am weak to defend them. I will never give in, I will push through the turmoil that is corrupting our peace and keep going.

But I tell you not to resist an evildoer. On the contrary, whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well. Matthew 5:39

..ashes..

With the rapidly changing weather I imagine my time here is limited. I have been in a seriously contemplative mood though since last evening, and now I have many things swirling around in my head. Dust, the ashes which the priest puts on our foreheads today, has no substance; the lightest breath will disperse it. It is a good representation of man’s nothingness: “O Lord, my substance is as nothing before Thee” (Psalm 38:6).

Our pride, our arrogance, needs to grasp this truth, to realize that everything in us is nothing. The consequence and punishment of sin, death is, itself, bitter and painful; but Jesus, who wanted to be like to us in all things, in submitting to death has given all Christians the strength to accept it out of love.

Nevertheless, death exists, and we should reflect on it, not in order to distress ourselves, but to arouse ourselves to do good. The thought of death places before our eyes the vanity of earthly things, the brevity of life – “All things passing; God alone remains” – and therefore it urges us to detach ourselves from everything, to scorn every earthly satisfaction, and to seek God alone.

Last night, as I was praying the night hours this struck me.

1 Peter 5:8-9

Be self-controlled and alert.

Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Resist him, standing firm in the faith,

because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

I know why this passage is so profound, I think I can somewhat identify with it. I was told, it would be ridiculous to be temped by things you feared, pointless too. You are likely going to be temped by things of great beauty. Well, it’s hard to resit such a beauty. I am essentially a selfish creature. I crave to satisfy hungers that are ingrained into my very being. Lent is a wonderful time to name what sinful, unhealthy, self-centered patterns need changing and to act against them. I’ve let my mind and fantasy get cluttered with escapist litter.

Dishonesty on all kinds of levels has become a way of life. I have been focusing on the deep wounds and resentments from my past, things that I continue to hold against others and myself.

Lord, help me to know what needs changing. I’m going to make a point of being more observant, more aware of what I’m experiencing. I am going to reflect upon the desires I currently have to see which of them need to be purified, and which may need to be abandoned. That is not to say I will no longer have this deep love in my heart, but I will love purely, with good intention.

If the remembrance of my infidelities torments me, I shall remember, O Lord, that “as soon as we are sorry for having offended You, You forget all our sins and malice. O truly infinite goodness!

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Proverbs 28:13