I’m on my knees looking for the answer.
What an irrational few days. This is not new, these precariously deep plunges into the abyss of misery.
They do however tend to sneak up on me somewhat unnoticed for what they really are. What they really are is something else as well. I don’t actually know what they are. I think there were only two casualties this time around. Poor Dh, I don’t even know why I tried to talk to him. It was no use, and the product of that conversation was his anger and my despair. He doesn’t want to know, it’s just frustrates him immensely, which renders him unable to much help my situation at all. I’ll never know how to describe what’s going on inside my head while I am there, in the abyss.
The more serious casualty was me. I am so stupid. I can barely fathom the mind state I was in, I have no means to rationalize now. Repercussions are going to be far reaching this time. I am so ashamed.
Last night, was arduous. I went to Mass. I felt the familiar longing. At the same time, I was comforted. I was NOT alone. I am so truly blessed; I’ll never understand His Mercy.
I do feel abashed; I know I wear my emotions at times so clearly on my face. I imagine the Fr’s think I am insane. I did not have the mask on very well last night. They won’t judge me. I know that.
I’ve tried to describe what is exactly happening. I can’t, at least not while it’s happening. My thoughts are so loud, so threatening, so cruel. It’s as if there is a war raging inside me. It consumes me. It can go on and on and on, days, weeks, and then it’s over. Last night at about 8 32. It was gone. All of it, it felt as if I was floating, lighter than air. It was gone and I remained survivor. Shaken but alright.
I have written about theories. Again with the anonymity, I like that I can write what’s really on my mind. Even when I think what I am thinking is completely insane.
I have checked out Depression. However it’s fits, and I am sure I do suffer from it, but what’s been going on these last few days I don’t think was depression.
Schizophrenia? That’s a fairly harsh assumption. But what did I know, all the over powering irrational thoughts? However it’s doesn’t really fit either.
Spiritual Attack? Maybe. My moments of peace where in front of the tabernacle. Prayer has been my constant companion. I have been separated from Christ, and temptations were coming at me so forcefully from all sides that in my weakest moment, I lost. I gave in. Despite everything I didn’t give up. Nor will I. I know my path, I know what I need to do to reconcile. I will do it. No matter how shameful I feel. Even that was a temptation, to avoid reconciliation.
Today I will begin my journey back. I have a wonderful day planned. As I am sitting here typing, the song playing in the back ground is Let Mercy Flow, how appropriate. On my right the sun is coming up, the brightness through the clouds is beautiful. I feel hopeful.
He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the LORD was my stay.
Ps 18 17-18