..my journey..

Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. Whatsoever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. What so ever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men. ~Colossians

Yesterday was inspiring. I had many moments to think, while my hands remained busy toiling. I was helping to prepare a dinner, a fundraising dinner of baked penne, two types of salad, garlic bread for about 100 people.

The fundraiser was for our Parish Youth Group. We raised nearly $1000.00. Most excellent!!

During the setting up of the tables I was able to have a conversation, with Fr. He was speaking to me about Eternal Happiness. I can’t explain as eloquently as he did yesterday, but he was asking or I should say provoking some tough questions with in myself. What is faith? Among others. Why is there such a duality, faith here.. life over here. Instead of one.

He gave me an analogy, “If I were to be doing dishes, I should put my entire self into the dishes, not letting my mind wander to other things, *I wish I was here, I’d rather be there.. but truly enjoying and paying attention to each moment, offering the time to God, and doing it with all my effort -for God. When I am done with the dishes, the time spent will be spent in a meaningful way. With God.”

He spoke longer and as I said, far more eloquently, but It sure made me consider the way I have been spending my time lately. What is faith to me? I too am on a journey, just considering the last week, I have certainly been living in duality. I am asking for guidance, and if it is His will he can help me to find the path that will lead ultimately to Him.

Who knew, a pasta night could be so profound…

..answers..

I’m on my knees looking for the answer.

What an irrational few days. This is not new, these precariously deep plunges into the abyss of misery.

They do however tend to sneak up on me somewhat unnoticed for what they really are. What they really are is something else as well. I don’t actually know what they are. I think there were only two casualties this time around. Poor Dh, I don’t even know why I tried to talk to him. It was no use, and the product of that conversation was his anger and my despair. He doesn’t want to know, it’s just frustrates him immensely, which renders him unable to much help my situation at all. I’ll never know how to describe what’s going on inside my head while I am there, in the abyss.

The more serious casualty was me. I am so stupid. I can barely fathom the mind state I was in, I have no means to rationalize now. Repercussions are going to be far reaching this time. I am so ashamed.

Last night, was arduous. I went to Mass. I felt the familiar longing. At the same time, I was comforted. I was NOT alone. I am so truly blessed; I’ll never understand His Mercy.

I do feel abashed; I know I wear my emotions at times so clearly on my face. I imagine the Fr’s think I am insane. I did not have the mask on very well last night. They won’t judge me. I know that.

I’ve tried to describe what is exactly happening. I can’t, at least not while it’s happening. My thoughts are so loud, so threatening, so cruel. It’s as if there is a war raging inside me. It consumes me. It can go on and on and on, days, weeks, and then it’s over. Last night at about 8 32. It was gone. All of it, it felt as if I was floating, lighter than air. It was gone and I remained survivor. Shaken but alright.

I have written about theories. Again with the anonymity, I like that I can write what’s really on my mind. Even when I think what I am thinking is completely insane.

I have checked out Depression. However it’s fits, and I am sure I do suffer from it, but what’s been going on these last few days I don’t think was depression.

Schizophrenia? That’s a fairly harsh assumption. But what did I know, all the over powering irrational thoughts? However it’s doesn’t really fit either.

Spiritual Attack? Maybe. My moments of peace where in front of the tabernacle. Prayer has been my constant companion. I have been separated from Christ, and temptations were coming at me so forcefully from all sides that in my weakest moment, I lost. I gave in. Despite everything I didn’t give up. Nor will I. I know my path, I know what I need to do to reconcile. I will do it. No matter how shameful I feel. Even that was a temptation, to avoid reconciliation.

Today I will begin my journey back. I have a wonderful day planned. As I am sitting here typing, the song playing in the back ground is Let Mercy Flow, how appropriate. On my right the sun is coming up, the brightness through the clouds is beautiful. I feel hopeful.

He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the LORD was my stay.
Ps 18 17-18

..truth..

Well, this week didn’t exactly go as I planned.

So many things happened I hardly know where to start. As this blog is completely anonymous, I suppose the truest way to write will be with complete truth. They say, The truth shall set you free…

That in it self is Truth.

It’s not the easiest path though, by any stretch. For me truth brings back old hard things. Memories and disappointments. However, past is past and going forward in truth is surprisingly freeing. I am thankful to the person that taught me that.

Okay, where to begin. Tues. night. just before sleep.

Sadness, it comes and goes for me. When I am staying busy, it’s less, when I am alone, It’s more. When I am tired, it’s more, when I am stressed, it’s more, when I am persecuted, it’s much more. When I am loved it’s less, when I am comforted, it’s less. When I am depended upon, it’s much, much less.

I should try and keep in mind St Francis prayer for peace. Especially the second part..

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand,
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I am trying to be more open, in sharing my self. I wish to be less guarded and more confident in myself. I want those things for me. I am only here on this temporal journey for such a short time, a short undetermined amount of time. I want my time here to count, not to me necessarily but to those I love.

Tues. night, before sleep.. I had on my mind an old sadness. One that I have fought a long time to forgive myself for. I have a truly contrite heart. I have expressed sadness and sorrow and despair. Sometimes, I am lifted from my sorrow. Sometimes like Tuesday, the temptation to despair is almost unbearable.

The next morning, ready to face the day, I saw an email from a semi acquaintance. A friend if you will but not in a friendly close sort of way. (She is the one person I have the hardest time opening up too. Maybe because I feel like she is constantly judging me, I am not as Catholic as her… Ha, but isn’t that me judging her??) Vicious Cycle!!

Her email read, “How R U?, BTW, I might be pregnant, I don’t know yet, I’m going to test again. Part of me says, yay, maybe this time God is leaving this one with us, and another part is thinking oh boy, I guess He needs me to suffer again for the needs of the unborn,”

Okay stop right there. What is that? I am being seriously tempted to despair, to feel guilty, maybe as I should. Coincidence? I don’t believe much in this world is by coincidence.

I did what I had to that morning, I was in full Mommy mode. I am good at that. Then I went to Mass. Fr’s homily that day could have been directed at me personally. I was certainly guilty of the one main thing he was speaking about. Not for one second did I feel empathy for the ‘friend’ and her email. I judged her harshly and wondered why she constantly has to throw that in my face. I felt she was incapable of being sincere and I DID NOT give her the benefit of the doubt. I AUTOMATICLY assumed she was being malicious. Talk about making it personal when it WASN’T! See, hindsight, this is me now giving her the benefit of the doubt. So I got over myself and offered up my prayers for her suffering.

The rest of that day passed in a blur, I had lots to keep my mind and my hands busy. On a positive note, I coached my first game and ALL the kids did so great. Talk about a proud moment. I came home and cooked a delicious meal, which everyone enjoyed. Three times this week my family complimented my dinners. I don’t know why but that sure makes me happy. So anyhow, I was managing again.

Next Day.. I know this post is long winded, but there was so much going on at the same time..

Now it’s Thursday, I had cleared my schedule for this day on purpose. My parents and my sister were supposed to have arrived home the night before. So I wanted to make sure I had enough time to talk to my Mom if she called to tell me all about her trip.

A little back story, there has always been a uneasy relationship with my family, from childhood. We maintained a fairly fake, “appearances are everything” type of relationship. Well due to my new found knowledge about the reasoning and good that comes with Truth, over the holidays I had a real conversation with my parents. It was the first honest talk we have probably EVER had. Many, many things were said. It’s was incredible, difficult, devastating, and completely harsh. It was 100% Truth.

Unfortunately, it ended and then we left CR, and then they left to go to my sisters wedding in Mexico. So things were kind of left unfinished. In a way, I guess I thought a lot about that when they were gone, and I was you could say very optimistic about the changes once they returned. I was full of hope. It was so scary to me, talking to them so unguarded and truthful. I was completely unnerved. But at the end and especially that day waiting for my Mom to call I felt good about all of it. It was very needed.

Okay back to my story, I knew they got home Wed. So Thursday morning, I was keeping myself busy, waiting. I was beginning to worry a little. Maybe they missed their flight or the ferry. I didn’t want to call and disturb them in case they got in late and they were just sleeping in.

I took a little break from my housework and went to check my facebook. Well to my glad surprise, my sister was online. I messaged her strait away. I thought it was weird that nobody had called me, so maybe she was online in the airport. She didn’t reply, so I waited. About an hour later, I was curious. I logged on to Ds’s MSN. To my surprise, my Mom was also online. Most mornings she goes on and chats with her own Mom, or her brothers and sisters. Today she was talking to the same people she had just been on vacation with. I thought it was kind of weird.. I had left her a message telling her to call anytime, I wanted to know how her trip was.

By this point I was slightly disappointed. So dropped the matter, I figured she would call after she was all done and I went back to my housework. About another hour after that, maybe around 11 or so she finally called. I was pathetic, I forgot my hurt feelings and picked up. I was very excited to talk to her. Before our “conversation” the one that took place before they all left, she would practically call me everyday. She had been gone almost three weeks so I missed her.

WOW, let me tell you I wasn’t prepared for the conversation that followed. She was like the ice queen. It was like pulling teeth to get any details from her. She sounded so indifferent. She had this attitude, which I didn’t understand. So we talked for a little while, and that was it. I admit I was feeling a little let down. It’s three days later and I haven’t talked to her again.

That was the afternoon I went to the church. I was feeling little lost, unsure of how to proceed.
I found solace, like I said in my previous post, I had been thinking about St Faustina.
Later on that night Dh and I argued a bit before bed. He has every right to be mad. I haven’t been a very good wife lately. The evening ended up with me going to sleep feeling pretty lonely.

Friday,
This was the worst day of them all. I lost the battle. When DH left in morning, he didn’t even say goodbye. I guess, it just added to my feeling of loneliness. How pathetic, he doesn’t say good bye most mornings, why should I have taken this morning any different from all the others? Friday was a busy day for me. I was suffocating from the beginning. I went to Mass. I had a quick stop in the office; I did what I had to do then left. It was quite chaotic there in the office. I wanted to ask, but it was too busy. The one I should have asked, the one I wanted to talk to wasn’t there at the time when I was walking out. That’s what I should have done, I should have asked. The rest of the day may have gone a bit differently if I had. But I didn’t and I went home.

— I was weak, my mind was weak. I felt like I couldn’t breath. I was overwhelmed and upset and distraught. I felt guilty for feeling like this, with out just cause and for my extreme weakness. I cut. Afterwards it was muted. Temporarily eased.

After a bit more time, I carried on with my day. I felt no emotion. I baked and cleaned. I didn’t forget anything that day and I was completely silent.

It wasn’t until later that the remorse set in. Accountability is a funny thing. I think it was obvious on my face, that I was not quite as okay and I was pretending to be. Only one person noticed though I think. I suppose only one person would. That’s comforting somehow.

Last night, Dh was stressed and acting kind of weird. I haven’t been a very good wife to him lately. Sometimes I know I take him for granted. I get so caught up in the things that are bothering me and that I wish so much he really cared how I was. I know he’s not like that though. It’s the way it is. I didn’t see him for very long that night, he took the kids and I for dinner, then after our very brief encounter, I had one more obligation. That’s when I really started to think about the day that had just happened. I don’t know what to do now. I am not sure how to proceed. I had two full hours to think last night, and a restless sleep to dream…. And here we are.

For the interim, Life goes on. Thank fully.